


Blue smoke

by Miahxdaphne



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Bad Parenting, Bullied!dan, Bullying, Domestic Phan, Eventual Smut, F/F, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Highschool AU, Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Minor Chris Kendall/PJ Liguori, Multi, Original Character(s), Past Abuse, Phan AU, Phanfiction, Recreational Drug Use, Semi-Public Sex, Slow To Update, Strangers to Lovers, Teen!Phil, Underage - Freeform, Underage Drinking, Underage Sex, punk!phil, teen!Dan
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-03
Updated: 2016-08-03
Packaged: 2018-07-29 05:07:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 11
Words: 26,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7671232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miahxdaphne/pseuds/Miahxdaphne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil is a selectively mute punk who only cares about his family.<br/>Dan is an angry boy who is afraid of the truth.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_Let the water wash away everything that you've become._

Phil looked up at his ceiling blankly, the small swirls in the plaster holding all of his attention.

"Philly! Mum said you had to get up" Chase stood beside his older brothers bed, watching him closely- Like he was a skittish animal that spooked easily. "Tell mum I'll be down in a minute" He smiled falsely at his little brother, remembering the time that his eyes had held that much light. "Okay" Phil chuckled to himself softly as he watched the six-year-old prance out of the room.

He glared up at the ceiling once more before shuffling over to his bathroom. Seeing as he was too busy staring at nothing, he didn't have time to shower this morning. He brushed his teeth and straightened out his hair. not bothering with re-doing his eyeliner or changing any of his piercings. Who did he have to impress? He didn't care what his friends thought about him- or anyone for that matter. No one bothered him because they were so intimidated, just because of Phil's appearance- and the fact that he was selectively mute.

He walked downstairs a few minutes later, dressed in his usual all-black attire. Chase gave him a toothy grin and poked his leg, "Can you walk me to class today, Philly?" Phil groaned and gave his brother a pained look, it didn't last though- Chase was a master at puppy dog eyes. "Fine, but we have to hurry- I don't want to be late" The small boy jumped up and down excitedly "Let's go!" He rolled his eyes and looked back up the stairs, "May! hurry up" Phil smirked and kissed his Mother's cheek, " Bye Mum" She smiled softly, "Behave, and have a good day" He rolled his eyes and walked out, poking his tongue at his younger sister in the process. They all climbed into the car, May plugged in her phone and smirked at Phil. He quirked a brow and looked over at his younger sibling, "What?" She shook her head and turned up the music "Nothing Phillip- just enjoying my music" Phil groaned and shook his head, earning a few giggles from the backseat.

"You hush" He glared at Chase through the mirror, he pouted "But you like high school musical" Phil blushed and smiled at his younger brother "That's our little secret so hush" May rolled her eyes and looked over at Phil, " Are you walking him to class today?" He nodded, tugging at his lip ring with his teeth. "Yeah- I kinda feel like giving Mrs. Rogers a heart attack" She chuckled and grabbed her things, "Alright- I'll see you later" She kissed his and Phil's cheeks softly before climbing out. Phil turned back to Chase "You ready to go?" He nodded and jumped out, Phil followed suit- clearing his throat slightly and grabbing his younger brother's hand "I'll pick you up after class alright buddy?" He nodded and squeezed Phil's hand, "Are you going to stop talking now?" Phil bit his lip and nodded. He never spoke once he was in the school grounds, last time he did...He shook the thoughts from his head and smiled down at his brother.

He kissed Chase's forehead softly and smiled at him, signing goodbye before standing up. He rolled his eyes when a few older students stared at him. He made his way to class, a frown finding it's way onto his face. He was late, Mrs. Rogers had decided that today was a good day to lecture Phil about his demeanor. He shoved the door open and walked in, giving the teacher a small nod. She sighed and continued talking.

"As I was saying- we will have a new student joining us tomorrow...I would like someone to show them around. Would anyone like to volunteer?" He rolled his eyes and lent back against his chair, PJ had decided to offer his help. What was the point? They'd just be like all the other assholes here- bitchy and self-obsessed. He sighed silently and looked out the window, it was a nice day today slightly overcast, just how he liked it.

Phil scowled as his phone vibrated.

_Drew: Oi Phil. Wanna skip? I got some stuff._

_He bit his lip and smirked,_

_Phil: Alright, meet me out back in 5._

He put his phone away and stood up. He walked out slowly, completely ignoring the teacher and the other student's stares. He walked out and smirked at his friends, they were all pretty similar. He nodded at Drew and bit his lip. "Took you long enough" Andy lent against him with a smirk, a lit cigarette between her lips. Phil shrugged and took the smoke from her mouth, he took a few drags and gave it back- his smirk never falling. Andy winked and straightened up.  
"Did you hear? there's a new student coming tomorrow" He looked over at Mike with a frown but nodded nonetheless. Andy pouted and looked up at Phil "What do we have to do to get you to speak babe?" He grimaced a little, causing Drew and Mike to snicker, "I guess that doesn't work" He shrugged and finished off Andy's smoke before clearing his throat and taking a step back. He waved slightly and headed back to his class.

The teacher rolled her eyes and glared at Phil "Nice of you to return Mr. Lester" He shrugged and sat back down, chewing a piece of gum. He hated the smell of cigarette smoke, but the feeling was addictive.

The bell rang a few minutes later, he left quickly. May saw him and waved slightly, He smirked and nodded before walking off. "Oh, he's so hot!" She frowned at her friend, "Who Phil?" She nodded and May tried not to gag, earning a slap from her friend "Oh come on! you can't deny it he's fit as, I bet he has tattoos under that jacket" She smirked and chuckled, "Yeah he does, He runs around my street shirtless" She teased her friend a little and cleared her throat, "Let's get to class" They headed off, following after Phil. "I wonder what his voice sounds like" She looked over at Ashen and quirked a brow, "Isn't he a bit old for you?" She shrugged and chuckled.

He rolled his eyes and headed off to his class. He left early and sat in the food hall, watching quietly as everyone spilled in and fought for the best food. May walked in with her friends and smiled at him, No one really gathered that they were related. May and Chase had a different surname. May laughed loudly and looked over at him, her friend blushed and whispered in her ear. He chuckled softly but stopped when his friends joined him, Andy sat beside the punk and smirked. "You got a thing for that girl?" He frowned and shook his head. Andy smirked and slapped Drew's arm. "Lester's got someone on his eye" Drew followed her gaze and smirked "She's hot"

Phil glared at Drew and pulled out his phone, May had messaged him.

_May: Why aren't you eating?_

_Phil: Not hungry._

_May: Idgaf I'm getting you food. you're gonna eat it._

He looked up at May, she was already on her way over. Her mum face on, she glanced over at his friends and sighed as she sat down. Drew smirked and licked his lips "Hello cutie, what can I do for you?" Phil glared at him and clear his throat, May just rolled her eyes and turned to Phil. "Here ass-hat" He quirked a brow and looked over at Andy, she looked ready to jump over the table. He smiled and signed a quick thank you _"Thanks, sis, tell your friend I said Hi"_ He winked and bit into the apple "Oh shit-Lester. She's your sister?" Phil rolled his eyes and smirked. " My name is May- next time you call me cutie, I might have to kick your ass." Phil snickered a little as May stood up. "Bye Phil" She kissed his cheek and walked back to her table.

"What the fuck?" Phil looked over at Drew and smirked, He grabbed his notebook and a pen. " _Don't even go there- She will kick your ass_ " Drew nodded and looked over at May. " _And then I will_ " Drew nodded and pulled out a pack of smokes, "Don't worry Lester- you want one?" He nodded and stood up, they walked out, earning a glare frown May when Phil ruffled her hair "Ass" She fixed it back up and looked around the table, everyone was looking at her like she had two heads, "What?" Ashen was the first to speak up, "He totally has a thing for you!" She grimaced and stuck out her tongue, "Ew. No, he doesn't" She frowned and shook her head, "You kissed his cheek before- I saw that" A few others nodded in agreement, May sighed and rubbed her face "Guys Phil's my Br-"

"Boyfriend! Oh my gosh, I knew it" May laughed loudly and covered her face "Oh god no! He's my brother!" Ashen froze and looked up "What?" May just nodded, "But you have different last names" She shrugged "He's my brother" Ashen grinned, "Can I come over this afternoon?" May bit her lip and pulled out her phone "I'd have to check with Phil"

_May: Philly?_

_Phil: Yes?_

_May: Can my friend come over after school?_

_Phil: I suppose...as long as she stops staring at my butt._

_May: Thank you, Philly! love you._

_Phil: Love you too._

She smiled softly and nodded "Yeah, but stop staring at his butt" She blushed and nodded.

\---------

The rest of the day was a drag. Phil wagged a few times for a smoke and that was about it. He walked over to the primary school, a scowl still on his face. Chase saw him and grinned "Philly!" He ran over and wrapped his small arms around Phil's leg. " I missed you" Phil chuckled and pulled the small boy up onto his hip, "I missed you too buddy" He whispered softly and set him down, they began walking to the car. Chase frowned "Who's that?" Phil sighed and looked up, "That's May's friend," Chase nodded and ran ahead to the car, He hugged May and turned to Ashen.

Phil chuckled softly and unlocked the car, He helped Chase into his seat and buckled him up. Ashen smiled softly as Phil climbed into the front seat, he plugged in his phone before May and smirked- poking his tongue out childishly.

_"Me, I'm from a different type of left land, old wild west land nosebleeds, palm trees, and tumbleweeds rustling. Outsiders say it's happy here, but it's depressing. Too many pretty faces catching my attention. So I look at them, remind myself in the smudged glass, That pretty isn't everything, you punk ass."_

He nodded along with the music, mouthing along to certain lyrics. May rolled her eyes and sang along quietly "You're lucky I like this song" Phil smirked at May. They drove home and Phil cleared his throat, _"Is Ashen staying for dinner?"_ He signed quickly and turned the car off. May looked back "You staying for dinner?" Ashen shrugged "If that's alright" She looked over at Phil. He nodded and got out, Chase following after him, "Philly, I have homework" he smiled down at the young boy, "I'll help you once dinner's on okay buddy?" He looked up and smiled before running in.

It was like this most afternoons. Phil's mum worked late shifts- it was an odd sight seeing her up early in the morning. He shook his head and went up to his room. He stripped out of his clothes and grabbed a pair of shorts and a singlet.He got dressed and walked over to May's door, Ashen looked up and blushed "May" She looked up and chuckled, "You going for a run?" He nodded, _"Keep an eye on Chase- I won't be long "_ She gave a thumbs up and turned back to her notebook.

More clouds had started to cover the sky by the time Phil was running down the street. He smiled softly at an old lady, she scoffed and kept walking. Phil chuckled and ran for a bit longer, the wind was cool enough to stop him frown sweating- but warm enough that he didn't need a jacket. He sat down and pulled out a smoke from his pocket, this was mainly why he went for runs- It was an excuse to have a smoke before he went back home. That was his time- sure it was probably going to shorten his life, but he couldn't find it in himself to care. His life had been one major fuck up after another, mostly caused by him. He shook his head and finished off his smoke, he got up and started back towards the house. Not paying attention to anything or anyone for that matter.

"Shit" Phil fell flat on his ass and looked over at the other boy, "Oh sorry!" The brunet got up quickly and held out a hand for Phil to take. Once both boys were up Phil looked over at him, His hair was styled pretty much identically to Phil's, his eyes were a deep amber and his skin slightly tanned. _" Sorry about that- I should watch where I'm going"_ The stranger eyed him wearily for a few seconds before holding his hands up, _"It's both our faults"_ Phil nodded, impressed that he didn't have to speak. The stranger smiled softly and took a step back, _"I gotta go- see you"_ Phil watched as the slightly taller boy left, leaving Phil alone again.

The second Phil walked into the house, panting slightly. Ashen walked around the corner and froze, "Oh H-Hi sorry I was just um" Phil quirked a brow and headed up the stairs. May frowned and looked at his neck, "When the- Phil! you didn't tell me you got a new tattoo you ass!" Phil chuckled and poked his tongue at her, "You never asked, Ashen is downstairs- she looks lost" May sighed and headed downstairs.

After a quick shower Phil walked down and started getting dinner ready, "You want help?" May and Ashen stood in the doorway. Phil shrugged _"If you want- it's only spaghetti"_ May nodded and grabbed the pasta out of the cupboard, Ashen following after her blushing darkly. He shook his head and smiled as Chase came down the stairs, "Philly! I did my homework all by myself!" Phil smiled and gave him a thumbs up. Chase frowned "You don't want to talk? but we're at home...did I do something wrong?" Guilt seeped through him as his brother's bottom lip trembled. Phil sighed and picked him up, "Sorry buddy- it's not your fault" He kissed Chase's temple softly and hugged him, "I thought I made you s-sad" He could feel the other two staring at him, he shook his head and bit his lip, "No buddy- I'm sorry. How about you go for a quick bath and then after dinner, I'll read you a story, how does that sound?" Chase grinned and jumped down, not wasting any time.

Phil sighed and cleared his throat, May squeezed his shoulder and pulled Ashen out of the room. He bit his lip. He hated people hearing him talk, he hated them knowing what he sounded like. If he could he'd rip out his vocal cords, nothing good ever came of his voice. I few tears fell down his face, He wiped them away quickly and finished off dinner.

Everyone ate quietly, Ashen and May chatting among themselves. Chase grinned and held up his plate. "I'm finished, Philly!" Phil smiled and went to get it. "I got it, Phil, finish your dinner" May quirked a brow and cleaned Chase up. Phil bit his lip and stood up, before disposing of his half-empty plate. He grabbed Chase's hand and lead him up to his room, ignoring his sister's annoyed sigh.

"Goodnight Philly" Phil smiled softly and kissed the sleepy boy's forehead "Goodnight buddy, I'll see you in the morning" He straightened up and walked to the door. "I hope you don't stay sad forever" Phil sighed and smiled softly at Chase "Me too buddy" He closed the door slowly and walked over to May's room. He knocked softly and looked at the ground, "What's up?" May looked up from Ashen's nails _"Chase is in bed. I'm going out for a bit- don't tell mum"_ She sighed and glared up at him, "Don't do anything stupid Phil" He smirked and shrugged _"No promises- go to bed on time"_ She rolled her eyes and glared at him, "Don't ..." She sighed and bit her lip, "Please- be careful".

He nodded and closed the door. He pulled out his phone and smirked.

_Andy: Wanna get fucked up? Drew got some good shit today._

_Phil: Sounds good, I'll be there soon._

He started walking. He didn't notice the same stranger from today walking past with tear stains on his cheeks or a slight limp, and if he did- He didn't care.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I forgot to say this in the last post. Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this c:

_I wish that I had two faces, to prove which theory worked._

"Oi Dan get up you little fag" Oliver stood at the door an smirked, his dull brown eyes burning holes into his younger brothers flesh. "Fuck off- I'm not even gay cock head" Dan sat up and rubbed his face. Purposely ignoring his brother's stares, he got up and walked out to the kitchen. "Morning sweetheart" He smiled softly at his mum and grabbed an apple, "Morning going to walk today" She smiled softly and kissed his forehead. "Alright, be careful-Oliver! come and walk your brother to school" He sighed and looked over at his brother, "It's fine- I can go on my own" Dan walked back to his room and got dressed quickly, He frowned as he straightened out the last bit of curl in his hair. He took a step back and glared at the mirror, a few bruises peeked out around his neck- hopefully, people just thought it was a shadow. 

He snuck out quickly, making a point of avoiding his brother and parents. They were so fake, well his parents were- Oliver was just an asshole, there was no changing that. Dan knew that once his secret was out to his family they wouldn't be so loving, or understanding- He knew how they felt about those types of _people_ and how disgusting they thought it was. Good thing both of their kids were _straight_. He saw the sneers and heard the hurtful jabs that they would mutter as they walked past an outed couple. He'd seen his mother cut off friends who's kids had come out, he had heard his father on the phone talking about how _"counseling would make them straight again- you can't be a fag forever"_  Hell his mother had even asked if there were any sinful students at his school. To say that Dan hated himself because of his parents was an understatement. He knew he was a disappointment- but he couldn't find it in him to care. Dan was a walking contradiction.

He walked into class just as everyone was sitting down. He glared at the ground and walked over to the teacher's desk. She huffed in annoyance and looked up, her face softening instantly, "Oh- you must be Daniel" He nodded awkwardly, "Just Dan please" She smiled and stood up, "Class- I'd like to introduce you to Dan- Dan would you like to say anything about yourself?" He looked around and shook his head, "No not really" She pouted and sighed, "Please? do you have any hobbies?" He sighed and fixed his fringe. "Procrastination" He bit his lip and looked down, as the teacher sighed. "Very well, got take a seat beside Peej" He nodded and walked over to the desk. 

'Pj' gave Dan a small smile as he sat down. Dan bit his lip and nodded, his hair was similar to Dan's but it was actually curly and a bit lighter than his- his eyes were like a mix of blue and green. "Hey there, I'm Peej-obviously" He smiled softly and turned to the door as it swung open loudly. The teacher sighed and glared up at the cause of the noise. "Phil- If you're late once more I'm giving you detention, understand me?" Dan blushed slightly as he looked up at the punk- the same punk he ran into yesterday- Phil.  He rolled his eyes and walked to the back of the class. Dan looked back and frowned- he looked off today, his hair was a mess and he had a small cut on his cheek. The punk looked over at him and their eyes locked _" Hello again"_  Dan blushed and held his hands back up _"Fancy seeing you here"_   Phil smirked and turned his attention to his phone, Dan turned back to Pj and sighed. "You alright mate?" Dan nodded and rubbed his face, a few minutes later Phil walked past. He smirked at the teacher and left. 

"Where's he going?" Pj shook his head and shrugged, "Wherever he wants. Phil gets away with anything, plus he's terrifying " Dan nodded and started on his work, not that he could concentrate- Phil seemed like two completely different people. He sighed and looked around the classroom, a short brunette girl smirked and bit her lip. He nodded and turned back around, grimacing a little. He sighed as his phone vibrated in his pocket.

_Oliver: Sucked any dicks yet Fag?_

_Dan: No. How about you?_

_Oliver: Don't fuck around dan, I know your a fag_

_Dan: *You're. Now piss off I'm in class_

He sighed and put his phone away just as Phil strolled back in smirking at the teacher as he sat down. The faint scent of smoke and mint trailing after him. Dan looked back and bit his lip, he looked back up the front and stood up just as the bell rang. He grabbed his things and hurried off to his next class. "Dan! wait up- I've gotta show you around" Pj fell into step beside him and lead him to the class, neither of them bothering to talk. He frowned when a few boys snickered as he walked past, "Oli was right- He even walks like a fag" He pulled out his phone.

_Dan: What the fuck have you done Oli?_

_Oliver: Hmm? just told the truth- say hi to my buddies for me. Ta x_

Dan groaned and looked back at them, the group smirked at him. He shivered and looked down again. "Fucking asshole" Pj looked over "Me? I-I didn't do anything?" He shook his head, "Not you- My brother" Pj nodded and stopped at a class. "This is your class, I'll see you at lunch" He smiled softly and walked off. Leaving Dan to fend for himself. He walked into someone and yelped "Fuck-" Phil quirked a brow and smirked, _"Maybe you should be more careful"_ He rolled his eyes, _" So should you"_  Phil chuckled silently and walked past Dan, leaving behind the smell of mint.

"Hey there Howell" Dan jumped and looked behind him to see the group of boys from earlier. The leader was slightly shorter than him, his brown eyes looked dull- Like a rusty piece of metal covered in dust. Dan swallowed nervously and watched him carefully, "Hi" He mumbled, the more he stood there the more anxious he got. The leader smirked and bit his lip, "You a fag?" He scoffed and rolled his eyes, "No- Let me guess Oliver talked to you?" As if on queue all four of them smirked. "Possibly, see ya later Howell" They walked past, the last one bumping into Dan.

He rolled his eyes and headed into the class. He sat at the back and glared at the board, Oliver was a prick.

Anxiety danced around Dan like an ugly jester. He sighed and pulled out his phone, deciding that now was the best time to go on Tumblr. "Wow you're working hard" He jumped and looked up. The brunette girl from this morning stood before him, her arms crossed over her chest and her hips slanting to the right. He chuckled softly and shrugged "I did this at my last school.  Not much point repeating it" She nodded and flicked her hair off her shoulder, and then back over it again. A pointless exercise if you asked Dan, a simple way to draw attention to your neck and shoulders. It'd probably work too- If Dan was straight but he isn't. He looked around awkwardly before clearing his throat "Sorry, did you need something?" She pouted a little and cocked her head to the side, a weird expression on her face "Nope. Just came to admire your beauty" Dan chuckled and looked down "Right...well " He shrugged, not knowing what to do- or say, or think.

He was stuck, no doubt this girl was popular and had more than one guy eyeing her up like a piece of meat. The fact that she had come to Dan, on his first day scared him. He had a hard time trusting her, even if her intentions were purely innocent.  Her hazel eyes seemed to give away something dark, and malicious.  " I uh...I better get my work finished" She quirked a brow and looked down at Dan's phone. "Tumblr's more important than an actual conversation? " He shrugged " To me yeah" She went to say something but the door slammed open making her jump and roll her eyes " Fuckin' Lester freak"

Phil smirked as he walked past, signing to Dan subtly _"Don't trust her. She'll ruin you"_   He frowned and looked up at her, no longer trying to be polite "You're still here?" She scoffed " Our conversation was interrupted " He sighed and rubbed his face. This girl was stubborn, something told Dan that she got her way almost all the time- and if she didn't there'd be hell to pay.  Still, despite the obvious warning signs, Dan chose to be a sarcastic little shit. "It was finished before you even looked at me." She pouted in an attempt to make herself more desirable "Don't be like that! I'm sure we could be great friends " He chuckled and shook his head "Never gonna happen. Now why don't you run along and hit on someone who's interested, because frankly- you're drowning me with your cheap ass perfume and it's starting to make me sick" She glared at Dan  and moved her face down to his, "Wrong move Howell" He smirked and shrugged "Oh well,  I just naturally attract bullshit- It doesn't bother me anymore"

The teacher cleared his throat and quirked a brow at the two " If you're done flirting,  I'd like to get on with my class" His voice surprised Dan. It was deep but soft, rough yet smooth. It was just weird.  Dan grimaced and held his hands up in defense " You don't have to ask _me_ twice"  A few students snickered quietly. He stared up at the girl, a challenging look on his face. She huffed and walked back to her desk,  her hips swinging in an exaggerated fashion. She glared back at him and quirked a brow. He just rolled his eyes in response, no longer caring if he happened to piss off some preppy bitch.

.....

Lunch had dragged on and Dan was more than happy to be making his way to his next class. Dan had never been good at social situations, no matter how much he tried. His family never seemed to notice, he was always seen as the 'polite ' boy, seen but not heard. They never took any notice of how quiet he got around the age of eleven. Then again, knowing that your parents hated you because of something you couldn't change would make anyone quiet. He had thought he was gay since his tenth birthday, one of his friend's cute older brother had caught his eye- that's when he realized,  all of his friends talked about girls that way not boys. Oliver had made it crystal clear about his views on anything remotely gay. Dan had watched him pick on countless boys and girls just for being attracted to the same sex. His parents didn't bat an eyelid. _"Serves them right- living a life of sin"_ Dan had tried to argue that it wasn't a choice,  that's how they were born and that they couldn't change it even if they tried. His parents had dismissed his input with such disinterest _"No one is born a faggot, Daniel. "_ Anger had surged through him that night, It's not like he had woken up and decided that he was gay. If he had a choice he'd be straight, he'd never had to worry about being disowned by his parents or beaten by his brother. He wouldn't get angry and bitter every time he saw a couple, kissing and being happy. He wouldn't hate himself, he'd be happy.

Maybe that's why he was so antisocial, he was afraid.  Anxiety had corrupted his mind and his constant self-hatred had made him numb to all emotions other than anger. He didn't trust anyone, yet he longed for something.  He was tired of being alone, of not having anyone he could turn to. Pj's friends seemed nice but that could've been an elaborate act. Dan wanted a real friendship, based solely on how well they meshed together. He didn't care about anything else.  He just wanted a friend.

.....

The rest of the day went by quickly, but not quick enough.  Dan sighed as he looked around the now barren halls,  thinking of ways that he could get out of going home with Oli. Someone slammed a locker shut, making Dan yelp and start walking. Beyond the emotionless and cold exterior,  Dan was a frightened boy who was scared constantly. Loud noises,  yelling and crowds were his worst nightmare. That was of course until the anger took over.

He shook the thoughts from his head walked out the large doors, it had started to rain at about midday.  He looked around awkwardly and rolled his eyes, Oliver wasn't here. He groaned and shoved his hands in his pockets.  After sending a quick message to his mum he pulled out a cigarette and started walking, lighting it casually as he walked past the primary school. He looked around, a bored expression on his face as he let out a puff of smoke. He smiled sweetly at a few parents giving him dirty looks,  not caring about much was another trait Dan possessed- or pretended to. Dan cared too much about everything. He quirked a brow when he heard a few giggles behind him. He turned around slightly and frowned. Phil bit his lip and looked away as two younger girls blushed and smiled sheepishly. The boy on Phil's hip grinned and poked Phil's cheek.  " Philly! He has the same hair as you" The punk looked over at Dan and smirked, nodding so the boy understood. Dan chuckled softly and took another drag, making sure that he had turned away before doing so. He didn't want to influence any small kids. The two girls blushed and whispered to each other. _"Don't mind them, they think you're cute"_ The taller of the pair rolled her eyes and slapped him, blushing "Shut up, he probably doesn't understand sign language you spoon " Dan chuckled and took another drag, signing lazily "She your sister?" Phil smirked and nodded,  the smaller girl bit her lip and leaned over to the other girl "I wonder if he's got any tattoos"

He chuckled "No I don't,  sorry to disappoint " He smirked and looked back at Phil "see ya round Lester" He turned around, not waiting for a response. He'd had enough socializing for one day, it was time to go home and lock himself in his bedroom. The voices started fading as he crushed out his smoke, he'd have to find a way to get more.

He pulled out some deodorant and sprayed himself, another thing his parents hate- smoking, drinking, any other type of drug, anything fun really. That was partly why he had started smoking, that and the fact that it managed to calm him down almost instantly.

.....

By the time Dan had gotten home his parents had dished up dinner. His mother was a terrible cook and his father was probably just as bad. He groaned inwardly and slumped down at the table. Oli smirked at him " So Daniel,  how was school?  Meet anyone interesting? " He glared at Oliver and cleared his throat " School was fine. " His mum grinned " Made any friends sweetheart? "  It physically pained him to look at her smile without grimacing,  it was all a lie.

He had planned on smiling and briefly mention Pj's friends, but Dan was sick and tired of lying.  He was tired of pretending.  " I don't talk to people." His mother sighed and looked over at her husband " Daniel you need to open up more! Make some friends,  talk to _girls_.  Be a normal teenage boy...don't let the past get to you" Oli snickered and continued eating as Dan shook his head "I don't want a _girlfriend_ " He finished his food and cleared his throat. "I have homework, may I be excused? "  They nodded dully and continued talking about their days.

He sighed and walked out and headed to his room. He collapsed on the bed and looked up at his ceiling. It's funny how anxious he got around his family,  his parents at least.  He knew Oli wouldn't change, but his parents would. Once they found out he wasn't straight,  their perfect son would become a disappointment.  He wouldn't see unconditional love in their eyes, he'd see disappointment and disgust. He sighed and grabbed his phone, Tumblr opened up automatically.  He bit his lip and scrolled through, answering some asks and replying to any messages he got. He didn't know any of the people whose names filled his inbox,  he knew about their interests though and that was enough to him. At least he could be himself around these people. The real Dan, the very very gay Dan. He chuckled softly and closed his phone again. His eyes were growing heavy and his body had gone slack. With the tiny ounce of energy, he had left he plugged his phone in and pulled his jeans off, he had learned long ago that sleeping in skinny jeans was a nightmare.  He sighed and fell back onto the bed, drifting off to an empty sleep.

\-----

The next morning was pretty much like a broken record. He sighed and got up, getting ready quickly before heading down to the kitchen.  His mum smiled up at him " Hello sweetheart, sleep well? "He nodded " Yeah" He grabbed an apple and put on a smile " See you later" She pouted and kissed his cheek " Oh I almost forgot.  One of my new colleagues invited us over for dinner tonight.  Make sure you come straight home from school" He nodded and walked out.  After a few minutes, his hands found their way into his pockets. He sighed and looked around.  After a while, he found a small store. " Excuse me miss" He smiled politely at the older woman,  she gave him a quick once over " What can I do for you? "  He looked down and back up at her " I was wondering if you could possibly buy a packet of cigarettes for me? Well not for me- my Dad he's too sick to get out of bed-" She laughed and quirked a brow at him " No need to lie, give me the cash- any particular brand?" He grinned and handed her the money, " Thank you so much, any brand is fine"  She chuckled and walked into the store,  leaving Dan to stand around awkwardly.

"Here you go kid" She tossed him the smokes and walked away.  He grinned and took one out, lighting it instantly.  He stopped out the front of the school, he took another drag before crushing it out and spraying himself. He walked in and headed straight for his first class.

\-----

" So Dan,  what do you do in your spare time? " He looked around the table awkwardly " Nothing special...stalk celebrities on the Internet...and yeah"  Pj shook his head and chuckled " Fair enough" He looked behind Dan and frowned " I'll be back in a sec "  He got up and walked over to a small group by the exit.  Phil gave him a blank look before nodding and looking down a shorter girl. She had a slight resemblance to Pj, the only difference being that her hair was brightly dyed and her lip, eyebrow, and nose were all pierced. She punched Pj playfully and handed him a small book. He made his way back shortly after.

\-----

" Hurry up fag" Oliver leaned against the wall and glared at him. He sighed and turned off his straightener " Fuck off " Dan rolled his eyes and barged past him, wanting to get this over with. "Oh, you two look nice. Now, lets go" Dan groaned and followed his parents out to the car. The drive was quick but it was still agonizing.  Dan looked around the front before climbing out of the car. The house was nice, the garden was neat and looked like something out of a magazine.  He sighed and followed his parents up to the front porch. His mother knocked softly and smoothed out her clothes.

"May! Get the door please" He bit his lip and looked down, "Why couldn't you? Too busy fixing your eyeliner ?"  Oli snickered and nudged Dan "ohh Daan" His father glared at him as the door swung open. The girl smiled politely and looked at all the faces. Dan froze "Oh hey there, it's a small world huh?" He chuckled awkwardly "Uh yeah...very small indeed" She grinned and stood to the side, "Come on in, dinner's almost ready. I'm May"   
They walked in, the smell that came from the kitchen was amazing.  May bit her lip and rubbed the back of her neck "So mum ended up getting stuck with the late shift at the last minute,  so she'll be home in about half an hour " Dan nodded and smiled politely.  His mother, however, gave her a strange look " Not to be rude, but who is cooking then? It smells _amazing_ " May grinned and bit her lip " Phil. Come introduce yourself " Dan looked up and stared at the hallway.  A few seconds later Phil walked out, he smiled awkwardly.  Dan blushed a little and took in his appearance. He was wearing a well-fitted button down shirt, the sleeves were bunched up at his elbows showing off his tattoos. His skinny jeans clung to his legs, showing off everything.  He stuck his _pierced_ tongue out, licking along his lip ring and held his hands up _"Hello"_ His eyes fell on Dan and he smirked. Dan blushed and held his hands up _"They don't know sign language, they're idiots"_ He snickered silently and smiled at Dan's mum, he grabbed a notebook and scribbled something down. _"Hello I'm,  Phil- it's nice to meet you. "_   She smiled and cleared her throat, Dan rolled his eyes. His parents were so fake, they hated the way Phil looked just as much as they hated same-sex relationships.  "You too, I'm Joyce and this is my husband Craig and our two sons, Oliver and Daniel " Phil nodded awkwardly and looked up at the stairs, the same boy from yesterday ran down giggling loudly. "Philly! You put the pretties on again!" He jumped into Phil's arms and poked his lip. May cleared her throat "This is Chase our younger brother " Oliver leaned against the wall and smirked at May, licking his lips. She glared at him and smiled quickly.

This was going to be a long night.

 


	3. Chapter 3

_Fear might be the death of me, fear leads to anxiety._

Dan smiled awkwardly and cleared his throat " Is there anything you need help with? " Oliver snickered quietly and nudged him. May grinned and shook her head "No thank you, Dan, thank you for the offer though" She looked different to Phil, her eyes where a strange hazel colour, her hair was a soft sand color. Completely opposite to Phil. He nodded and smiled "No worries, just let me know" She smiled and looked down "Phil's going to show you to the lounge room while I get this little monster cleaned up" Phil looked at her wide-eyed and she held up her hand _"Payback for yesterday."_ He glared at her slightly and turned back to us, forcing a smile. He looked up at Dan _"Feel like translating? I'm too lazy to write"_ Dan nodded and watched him sign. "He said to follow him" Phil nodded and turned around, he lead them down the hallway and into a large open planned living room. He turned back to us as May walked past. _"Make yourself at home"_ His parents sat down quickly and started chatting, no doubt about Phil's fashion choice. Oliver nudged Dan and whispered to him " The things that I would do to that ass" Dan glared at him and elbowed him. He blushed though when Phil cleared his throat _"He does realize I'm not deaf right? And if he so much as touches May I'll kick his ass_ " He chuckled and looked up at Oliver "He heard you moron. He's not deaf." Oli quirked a brow at Phil, just as May walked back in. She nudged Phil before turning to Dan. "Can I talk to you for a moment? " He nodded and followed her awkwardly, weakly smiling at Phil.

She turned around and sighed "Look, Phil's mute-" He nodded " Yeah, I know. He's selectively mute though, isn't he? " She frowned but nodded "Yeah, he doesn't like being around anyone other than family...could you maybe tell your brother to back off? This is hard enough for him as it is." Dan sighed and rubbed his face. "Oliver is a dickhead. He doesn't comprehend the word stop..." She nodded and smiled " Right...well.um"She blushed a little and bit her lip " You two look alike " Dan groaned and covered his face "Please don't remind me. Also, watch yourself around him. He's no good to be around" She nodded and smirked "Don't worry I can handle myself " Dan chuckled and shrugged "Good" Phil came around the corner "Din-" He bit his lip and held his hands up _"Dinner's ready."_ Dan nodded and smiled softly. "Sorry about my brother. He's... an asshole " Phil chuckled softly and shrugged.

Moments later the rest of Dan family walked out. Chase ran out and tugged at Phil's leg. "Phiiil I'm hungry " May chuckled and turned to everyone, "Follow me" Phil picked up the boy and carried him into the dining room, the table was set neatly. Chase looked up at Dan and grinned "Can you sit beside me, pleeaase" He smiled softly and sat down beside him. Phil sat on the other side of him and quirked a brow at Dan. "Kids I'm home" A short woman walked into the dining room and sighed softly "Hello Joyce " She waved and looked around "And family, I trust my little monsters were well behaved" She quirked a brow at May "Yes mum, we were just about to start dinner" She nodded and took her seat.

Dinner was going well, everyone made small talk. It wasn't as horrible as Dan thought it would be. Chase gasped and Dan's arm excitedly "I remember you now!" Phil smirked and watched his brother curiously. Dan swallowed nervously and smiled "Oh yeah?" Everyone stopped to watch the small conversation "Yeah you're the boy who was doing the naughty thing that Phil does" Both of the boys froze and looked at each other. Phil's mum cleared her throat " And what is that sweetheart? " The boy grinned up at her "They put those sticks that have a fire in them in their mouths" Dan's stomach dropped, he looked up at his parents. Phil cleared his throat and looked over at his mum. "We'll discuss this later, Daniel." He swallowed nervously and bit his lip. "Yes...As will we Phil" Phil sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. Chase whimpered and looked over at Phil "D-Did I make you sad  again ?" Phil shook his head quickly and faked a smile. Dan bit his lip and placed a hand on Chase's shoulder " It's alright buddy, you didn't do anything wrong. Phil's not sad, he's just a bit tired. Hey Phil?" He looked at Phil. He smiled down at Chase and nodded. Dan let out a shaky breath and smiled sheepishly at the shocked expression on everyone's face. "What?" His mother sighed and sat up straight " That was very mature of you" He shrugged and smiled down at Chase " I'm not completely heartless " Phil snickered quietly and stood up _"I'll get dessert, Dan would you mind helping me? "_ Dan nodded and stood up, Oliver cleared his throat " Dan when did you learn sign language? " He smirked. Dan glared at him and walked out of the room, Phil following after him. He leaned against the counter and bit his lip, trying to stop himself from crying.  
" You alright? " He jumped and looked over at Phil "What?" He sighed and fixed his hair "Are you alright? " Dan shook his head " My brother hates me and goes out of his way to make my life a living hell." He nodded and squeezed Dan's shoulder " Sorry about Chase... he doesn't really have a filter. If it makes you feel any better my mother is going to kill me." He shook his head, " Nah...it's not his fault, they were bound to find out sooner or later...can I ask a favor though?" He bit his lip and nodded " Yeah, I suppose " He sighed and pulled out his packet. " Is there any chance you can keep these safe until tomorrow? " Phil smirked and took them " Sure, mind if I take a few? " He shrugged " Go ahead, thank you so much. They're the only thing keeping me sane at the moment" Phil nodded and stuck them in his pocket " Thank you " Dan frowned and cocked his head to the side "What for?" Phil bit his lip and looked over at him "Not making a big deal about me talking. " He shrugged " I get it." He smiled softly "And don't worry, I won't say anything " Phil grinned and grabbed the dessert "You're alright Howell " They walked back out in silence, any evidence of the conversation gone.

Dan's parents glared at him as he sat back down, Chase poked his cheek and grinned "You have holes in your cheeks" He chuckled softly and smiled, unknowingly making his dimples deepen. Chase gasped and slapped Phil "Look Philly! It's so weird " Oliver snickered, catching the boys attention "Do you have the holes?" He shook his head, never being the one to enjoy children and their antics. Chase sighed "hmm you're boring " May giggled quietly and smirked at Phil. Dan smirked at Oli and sat back, a smug expression on his face.

\-----

" Get up" Dan's stomach dropped as he looked around his room. Everything had been opened and tipped out, it was a mess. They hadn't even got inside the house last night before his parents were tearing shreds off him. He rolled his eyes and stretched, completely ignoring Oliver. "Because of your shit habits, I have to drive you to school now." Dan sat up, pulling a random shirt on and grabbing his shoes. "Oh lucky me" he muttered in a deadpan expression. Oli smirked and grabbed him, slamming him into the wall. "Don't fuck around Danny. Wouldn't want you're little boyfriend seeing how much of a fuck up you are now would we?" Dan glared back at him, "Get the fuck off me." He shoved him away. Oli growled and swung at him, Dan winced when he felt the all too familiar sting. He touched his cheek lightly before bringing his leg up between Oliver's. He didn't wait after that, he just grabbed his stuff and took off down the stairs and out of the house. Too angry to slow down.

He got to the school and looked around, biting his lip. Pj and the girl from yesterday walked into the grounds, Pj smiled " Dan, this is my sister Andy" He nodded awkwardly and bit his lip. " Hey, you hang out with Phil right?" She quirked a brow, "Yeah. Why?" He sighed and ran his hand through the mess off the wavy hair on top of his head. " I uh- just need to find him." She pouted and sighed " He'll be out the back" Dan forced a smile and took a step back " Great, thanks for that" He didn't wait for a response, he just turned around and headed to the back. By now the cut on his cheek had stopped bleeding, but the area around it was swollen. He sighed and walked around the corner, Phil and two other guys were standing around smoking.

The two stopped and glared at Dan. He rolled his eyes and walked past holding his hands up _"Just came to get my stuff"_ Phil nodded and pulled out the pack, handing it to Dan. "What the fuck Lester! You said you didn't have any " His friend whined, glaring at Dan. " They're mine, you have a lighter? I'll trade" Dan looked at him, trying to ignore Phil's stare. His friend smirked and held out a lighter. Dan took out two smokes and handed them to him "Thanks" He quickly lit one of his and took a drag, Phil held his hand up " _better stay here or the teachers will see_ " The two guys looked between them " You're the new kid right? " Dan nodded and rubbed the back of his neck "Dan" The guy who took the smokes nodded "Right well I'm Drew, this is Mike " Drew cocked his head to the side. His white hair falling over his eyes, he smirked slightly and punched Mikes' arm. "Hey fuck off!" Mike snapped. He had a similar haircut to Dan's but his hair was a dark red. Both boys had pierced lips and eyebrows. Drew had a black septum piercing too.

Dan nodded and took a drag, rubbing his cheek mindlessly. Phil frowned " _What happened to your cheek?"_ He sighed and held his hand up _" Oliver"_ Phil's jaw dropped _"He hit you?"_ Although Dan could see the worry in his eyes he couldn't help but laugh. _"Don't worry"_ Phil nodded and took Dan's smoke, he took a drag and gave it back. Drew and Mike snickered "Might as well get used to that" Dan smirked and took his smoke just as Andy joined them.

"Oh, you found him" He nodded and took a long drag " Yeah thanks for that" She nodded and leaned against Phil "Did you save me any babe?" He quirked a brow and shook his head, pushing her off him slightly. She pouted and looked over at Dan "Why'd you wanna speak to him?" Dan quirked a brow and took another drag "Reasons..." He finished the smoke and crushed out the butt. Dan looked over at Phil " See ya " He turned around and headed off to his class.

.....

" He seems like a snob" Phil looked over at Andy and shook his head. Drew snickered "He's alright to me. Good taste in smokes too" She pouted and crossed her arms over her chest. "He gave you smokes? " He nodded " Yep" Phil smirked and ruffled Andy's hair. She shoved him and glared at them. "You're all assholes " Mike giggled and held his hands up "Does that include Phil because he never said anything "She sighed and looked up at him. "He never says anything, he can't " He bit his lip and looked over at the oval, he sighed slightly. Andy froze and stared up at him _" I can speak. I just choose not to "_ He handed her the note before smirking and walking off.

_May: Hey there Philly_

_Phil: What do you want my favorite sister?_

_May: I'm your only sister. I was wondering if Dan was alright, he seemed upset this morning. Plus he has a black eye._

_Phil: I don't know, we're not friends..._

_May: Why not?_

_Phil: May, I don't need any more friends. The ones I have are more than enough._

_May: But what if he needs a friend? I've seen_ _Grayson and his buddies giving him a hard time a few times now. Is he gay?_

_Phil: I don't know, or care. It's not my problem. He can handle himself._

He turned his phone off after that and headed to his class. The teacher sighed and looked over at him, she didn't look familiar. "Mr. Lester I presume " Phil nodded and went to walk away. "When someone speaks it's polite to answer. " Phil looked at her blankly "Why are you so late?" He quirked a brow at her. She glared at him and straightened up. "If you don't answer me I'll give you detention " Phil smirked and walked up to the board. _"I'M MUTE."_ Her eyes widened and she looked at him in shock "That- that still doesn't give you an excuse for being late!" He shrugged and walked over to his seat.

A few minutes later Dan walked in, the cut on his cheek had opened again and his knuckles were cut up. Phil quirked a brow and watched Dan. The brunette gave the teacher a blank look before sitting on his desk. She sighed and glared at him " You mute as well? " Dan smirked " Nope. Just didn't feel like talking to a judgmental bitch. " Phil snickered quietly and clapped. She glared at him and then back at Dan "Det-" He stood up and grabbed the slip "Detention, I know " She looked over at Phil and held out another slip. He smirked and grabbed it before turning to Dan _"Wanna skip? I got a lighter "_ He nodded and stood up following Phil out the door.

Dan sighed as he sat down. Phil sat across from him and held out the lighter. He eyed Dan curiously. What had happened to this boy in a matter of half an hour? He watched as Dan clenched and released his fists. The boy sighed and pulled out his smokes as he looked up at Phil " You stare a lot" Phil shrugged and held up his hands _" What happened to your face?"_ Dan sighed and touched his cheek lightly "Oliver. " Phil nodded and took a smoke he placed it between his lips. _"Again? "_ He nodded and lit his smoke, taking a long drag. Phil following suit.

" Phil, can I ask you something? " Dan broke the silence, his brown eyes burning into Phil. He nodded and took another drag " Do you talk to your friends? " He shook his head _" Not with speech, no. I mainly write to them"_ Dan nodded and bit his lip, paying attention to the smoke swirling away from the burning ash. "Why do you talk to me?" Phil bit his lip. Why did he? Sure Dan was nice enough from what he could tell. But Phil only talked to people he could trust, did he trust Dan? He seemed like the most genuine in his whole family, but he was clearly hiding _something._ Phil shrugged and looked at Dan. His hair was a mess atop his head and he had bags under his eyes. Bruises littered his skin, some old and some fresh. His neck was bruised too, at first Phil thought it might have been a few hickeys. _" how old are the bruises on your neck ?"_

The younger boy froze and touched his neck, he winced a little and looked down. "Couple days " Phil nodded "Oli-" Andy dropped down beside him, she smirked and took his smoke. "Hey there Lester " Dan bit his lip and took another drag. Phil cleared his throat and looked over at Andy, he nodded and held his hands up to Dan _"Finish this later?"_ Dan nodded and stood up. " See ya " Phil watched as Dan walked away. He licked his lips absently and took another drag. "You gay Lester?" Phil froze and looked back at her. He had never thought about his sexuality, sure he had made out with a few guys, but that was years ago and he was normally drunk. He couldn't be gay though, he thought Andy was hot. Dan was better looking though, so was Andy's brother. Okay, maybe Phil wasn't straight. She quirked a brow at him, he smirked and handed her the smoke. _"Nope"_  She shrugged and gladly took the smoke. He stood up and winked before walking off.

The bell rang, showing that it was now time for lunch. He sighed and turned his phone back on. May had given up on replying, he smirked and put his phone away. A few kids ran past him quickly talking about a fight. He rolled his eyes and walked in the direction everyone was heading. He turned the corner to see a large circle. I stopped at the back and watched over everyone's heads. Perks of being so tall, he never had to stand on his toes. He frowned when May stumbled back a little before swinging at another girl, she hit her hard and smirked as the girl fell. Phil smirked slightly but stayed back, he didn't want to embarrass her. The fight was going well, May was no doubt winning. Just as she was about to walk away, Grayson grabbed her arm and shoved her against the locker. "You fucking bitch" No one did anything, too afraid of getting on his bad side. May shoved his chest roughly in an attempt to get away from him, he just squeezed her tighter. She winced and glared up at him, "Let me go" He smirked and raised his hand. Phil shoved past the students and grabbed his wrist just as he swung.

Everyone watched in silence as Grayson glared up at Phil. "Fuck off Lester, this doesn't involve you." His grip on Grayson's wrist tightened, May bit her lip and watched silently. Phil grabbed May's other arm and pulled her out of his grip, careful not to actually hurt her. She smiled softly and tugged at his shirt, "Alright Phil, let go now" Grayson smirked. Phil glared at him and shoved him into the lockers roughly, the smaller boy groaned. "What the fuck? You fucking her or something?" He growled and slammed him again, May bit her lip and stood beside him," I'm his sister you moron" Phil smirked as Grayson's jaw dropped, "Lester-" He shoved him again and kneed him in the stomach. May sighed and tugged at Phil's wrist, "Come on Phil- you need to get out of here" Phil nodded and walked back through the crowd, May and Ashen trailing behind him. He stormed out and lent against the building, May sighed and sat down. "Sorry" She looked up at him innocently, _"What the fuck just happened? Since when do you get in fights?"_  She groaned and bit her lip, "They were picking on one of the younger kids, I hate seeing people get bullied. I chose to do something...unlike someone else" She glared at him, he sighed and rubbed his face _" Don't make this about me. Dan's life is none of my business."_  She crossed her arms over her chest. "You smoke his shit, Phil! You spoke to him." He froze _"How do you know?"_  She sighed, "I heard you. Why don't you care? What if Grayson and that keep beating him up?"

"They aren't beating me up?" Dan looked down at her, a slightly irritated look on his face, "With all due respect May...maybe you should just worry about yourself. I'm not worth the effort or trouble." He spoke softly but his face was cold and emotionless. He turned around and walked out the school gates, a cigarette between his lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i thought i'd mention that this is on wattpad as well ^.^ thanks for reading!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is so short, sorry and i had no time to edit it and yeah...thanks for reading ^.^

  _Dive in, take a breath. Blow the smoke through the hole in my chest._

" Phil! He looked hopeless, you can't ignore that...you have to do something" Phil sighed and glared at his sister "What the hell am I meant to do? follow him around to make sure he doesn't get picked on? I don't care May. Just drop it"  She crossed her arms over her chest and glared at him, something she did when she knew she wouldn't get her own way. The punk rolled his eyes and stomped up to his room, he got changed quickly and headed back down the stairs. "I'm going out, don't wait up" May gave Ashen a bored look before following after him, "Where are you going?" He shrugged and gave her a dull look. "Andy's probably, I need an escape" May sighed, "You always need an escape! you're still running from your problems from two years ago! Phil you need to get over it." She froze and looked down, Phil just chuckled darkly. "Right, I forgot- I'm not meant to feel anything." He turned around and walked away, his head swimming.

He couldn't just get over it. He had tried, he never found a way to get over it. Sex didn't work, drugs didn't work, hell hurting himself didn't work. He was never going to get over it. Phil was stuck like this forever, whether he wanted to be or not. May didn't understand, she had always been asleep when _he_ would go off on his tangents. She was sheltered from the violence and the abuse that would come from her father. Phil supposed maybe it was because May and Chase were actually _his,_ unlike Phil. He was always the one to stand between him and his mother, he was the one to start training at a local gym so that he could protect his family. He was the one to knock that monster unconscious and call the police, he was the one who took away his little brother's father and his little sister's _cool_ parent. He was the one who stopped the beatings, he was the one who taught May how to protect herself, and he was the one to love Chase as if he was his own. Phil knew his mother had resented him at the start, she didn't want to admit that he was hurting her, the bruises where enough though.  " _You should have just kept your little mouth shut! you tore this family apart."_ After those words had been spat at him, he hadn't spoken. Especially at school, too many people knew his father. Too many people loved him, he had the whole town wrapped around his little finger. After almost a year he finally spoke again, adamant that he wouldn't utter a single word in public.

He shook his head and started jogging, not caring where he ended up.  His brain was on cruise control  and within minutes he was at Andy's door, knocking gently.  Pj answered it, confusion taking over his features "Phil, what are you doing here?" He quirked a brow at the green eyed boy. Pj sighed and moved to the side, "Andy's in her room, so are the others." Phil smirked and walked past, heading straight to her room. He walked straight in and sat down on one of the bean bags. Andy grinned "Lester, we didn't think you were coming tonight " Drew took a drag and handed it to Phil _"Things change"_ Phil held the note up before taking a drag, smirking when he realized it wasn't tobacco. Mike grinned "You like? I can get you some more" Phil shook his head, taking another drag before handing it to Andy. Mike nodded and dug through his bag, Pulling out a bottle of vodka. "Fuck yes!" Andy snatched it off him and took a swig, she shuddered and passed it back to Mike. The bottle got passed around, Phil took it and bit his lip.  He hated alcohol, he hadn't had any since the night _he_ got arrested.  He quirked a brow at his friends, they were all watching him. As if somehow noticing his inner battle. They all knew he didn't drink, it was a unspoken rule that they didn't offer him any. Which is why they looked so horrified when he took a swig, a large one at that.

"Phil, what the fuck?" Mike gave him a worried look, Phil just shook it off and lit a cigarette. Taking a long drag he smiled slightly, the warmth from the alcohol spreading throughout his chest, making him numb. Which was all he wanted.

.....

He got home just after one in the morning, more than a little drunk. He stumbled into the house to see May standing there, a pissed off look on her face.  " What the fuck Phil!" He rolled his eyes and started walking up the stairs. She grabbed his hand "Is that weed? Why would you do this to yourself? " He sighed and shrugged out of her grip, "Get over it May. It's my body" Phil got into his room and froze. Chase was curled up on his bed, snoring softly.  He bit his lip and got changed out of his tainted clothes, as best as he could without falling. He climbed into bed with the small boy and sighed, Chase instantly clinging to his shirt. He held onto him and drifted off to sleep, dreaming of brown eyes and sunsets trapped within them.

The next morning was hell, Chase had woken him up earlier than usual so he could go to an flied trip. He felt like a zombie, no doubt he looked like one too. His hair was a mess, his eyes were dark and the bags that he always had were darker and looked almost painful to touch. His throat was sore and his head was pounding.  
May had been ignoring him too, not that he minded. This had nothing to do with her. She didn't have get involved in his problems,  they were his for a reason. They were his because he wouldn't let them become hers. Phil bit his lip and parked the car. "I'll walk Chase to class,  you stay out of trouble." He give May a pointed look, she rolled her eyes and got out "Why don't you practice what you preach?" Phil bit his lip "Why do you think I keep my mouth shut?" May bit her lip, a conflicted look overtaking her features. She sighed and shut the door, heading into the school. Chase sniffed softly, "I don't like when you fight with May, or Mum..." He swallowed and looked down, guilt over taking him. "I know...neither do I buddy." He bit his lip and got out of the car, not saying another word to Phil. They walked to the class quietly, Chase chewing at his lip gently. "Phil?" The punk looked at him and smiled gently, "Hmm?" He gave him a serious look and sighed,"I think you should be friends with Dan.  You're happier when you're with him, and he's really nice" Phil looked down and smiled sadly, "Have a good day buddy" He kissed the top of Chase's head before heading to school, a blank expression on his face.

.....

The day dragged on, people spoke to him and he just glared back. Andy sighed as she sat down beside him, "Peej is a fucking ass! He told mum about last night and she forced me to come to school as punishment" Drew snickered beside her, "Oh shut up Princess, you had like three mouth fulls. Lester's the one who had nearly a whole bottle to himself" Phil nodded, staring into space. Mike cleared his throat, "You alright man? you look like shit" He nodded again and lent back, his stomach rumbled slightly; he ignored it.  May kept glancing over at him, or mainly the bare part of the table in front of him. She rolled her eyes and stood up, a tray of food in her hands. "Oi Lester your sister is heading over, she looks pissed" Phil rolled his eyes and watched as she stormed over. "Oh shit, she's pissed. Lester, what did you do?" He quirked a brow at Andy, as May came to a stop. She placed the tray on the table and glared at him, He just quirked a brow and pushed it away slightly. She crossed her arms over her chest, "Phil. eat." Phil shook his head, _"Not hungry."_ She quirked a brow, "Bullshit if you don't start to eat-" Andy cleared her throat. "If you haven't noticed sweetheart, he's a wee bit hungover. Why don't you just leave him be?" She smiled sweetly and cocked her head to the side.  May just glared at her, "First of all, you might be his friend but I don't fucking like you. Second of all if you call me sweetheart again, I'll show you how sweet I can get. And lastly, this has nothing to do with you so mind your business, _Sweetheart._ Because I'm getting really sick of your shit" Andy glared at her, "Excuse me?" Phil rolled his eyes and got up, grabbing May's arm and dragging her out to the oval. 

He sighed and rubbed his face, " _Don't talk to my friends like that_ " She gave him a blank look, "Don't lie to me. When was the last time you ate Phil?" He looked down, " _Yesterday_ " She quirked a brow, "When yesterday? breakfast, lunch?" He sighed, " _Breakfast_ " She looked down, "Are you getting bad again?" Phil chuckled and looked at her, " _What do you mean again? I never got any better May! I just got good at pretending_ " He shrugged and turned around, walking back inside.


	5. Chapter 5

_We hold on to the lies to feel free so shackled by smiles, so empty._

 

"Ah, Mr. Howell...late again I see" The teacher glared at him, her hands planted firmly on her hips.  Dan rolled his eyes and walked to the back of the class.  "Whatever " He muttered as he slumped down in his seat. His jaw aching and his head throbbing. She sighed and wrote out a detention slip, "You know the drill." She held it out to him impatiently.  He looked at her blankly before resting his head in his arms, closing his eyes and silently begging for the headache to go away. "Dan, now" Her voice was growing louder, he knew if he didn't respond soon she'd be yelling. He looked up at her and quirked a brow, "I'll get it after class" She went to argue but the door swung open, startling her and the rest of the class. Phil shrugged and walked over to his seat, not having any idea what was going on. "Dani-" He sighed, "Shut up and teach the class for once" He glared at her as he got up. Dan stalked over to her and snatched the note out of her hands. "Happy now bitch?" She looked up at him in shock, guilt seeped through him as he threw the paper in the bin and walked out of the classroom, his hands were shaking and he felt like he was going to fall apart. He headed down the hall, his head hurting more than ever. He'd apologize to her later, for now, though he needed a smoke.

Dan sighed in relief as he walked out the large doors, the crisp air swirling around him. He shivered slightly and walked around the corner, finding a warmer spot to sit. He eventually chose a large tree, he sat down carefully. No doubt this thing was probably hollow. He looked up and sighed, he missed the days when he could see beauty in everything. Now all he saw was black, white and gray. All colour had been drained from his life, it was hard to say why though. His parents loved him -for now, that is- but he had come to terms with the fact that everything would fall apart once his not so little secret came out. So what was stirring up all this aggression and hate towards everything? everything was the same in this school- except, maybe it wasn't. Phil was in this school, there was no one like Phil at his last school. Dan knew he had a crush on him, hell he wanted to jump him the minute he first laid eyes on the punk. Did Phil really affect him that much? He felt safe when he was with him and cold when he was alone, he was /somewhat/ happy around Phil. But Phil was straight, he'd never see Dan as anything more than a friend (If that's what you could call them). 

He shook his head and pulled out his smokes, lighting one quickly. He took a long drag, the thick smoke swirling down into his lungs. He sighed, closing his eyes. He could hear footsteps coming towards him, he half guessed that it would be Phil. May sat down in front of him, a determined look on her face. "Hey.." She looked down, nibbling on her bottom lip nervously as Dan quirked a brow at her. "Shouldn't you be in class? Phil is gonna be pissed if he sees you" She shrugged "He's already pissed" He nodded and took another drag, sighing again, "Did you want something?" She watched him for a few seconds, "Phil talks to you" He quirked a brow and shook his head, "He spoke to me, yes. He hasn't since, we've only signed"  She nodded and looked at Dan blankly, "Your neck is covered in bruises..." She quirked a brow, as he rubbed his neck gently "They're hickeys" He lied, the last thing he needed was May finding out about his problems. She blushed and looked away, "oh..right, well um- Can you talk to Phil? I'm really worried about him and he's angry with me so..." Dan bit his lip, "It's none of my business," He shook his head, "Look I'm sorry May, but I can't get involved. This has nothing to do with me...I'm sure Phil will cool down and everything will be alright." Dan stood up and began walking away, "Phil nearly died." He froze and turned back to the girl, "What, when?" She looked down, scratching her palm lightly. "Last year...He stopped eating, and got really sick" Dan looked down and nodded, slightly confused as to why she was telling him this,"Okay?" She rubbed her face, "He's stopped eating again... he hasn't eaten anything since breakfast yesterday" Phil was starving himself? He didn't seem like he'd have an eating disorder. Why was May telling him this? there was nothing he could do, he and Phil weren't even friends. The most personal conversation they'd had was about Chase, although Phil spoke. Dan had realized that he only spoke to people he trusted, why did he trust Dan? 

He wasn't worth the trouble, Dan wasn't worth anyone's trouble. He shook his head as the bell rang "I'm sorry May, I'm not any good" He shrugged and turned around, walking to his next class quickly. He sighed, looking at his feet as he walked in. A few students stared at him, He ignored them and slumped down in his seat. His phone went off shortly after. He sighed and pulled it out.

_Oli: How's the jaw feeling fag?_

_Dan: Fuck off asshole, how're the ribs feeling?_

_Oli: Hmm think your funny? wait till you get home faggot, a few of my buddies wanna say hello._

_Dan: *You're. Seriously how did you graduate?_

_Oli: Oh this afternoon is going to be so fun._

Dan sighed as his stomach churned, it amazed him how his parents never seemed to notice the bruises covering Dan's skin. Maybe they didn't care, maybe they had figured out that Dan wasn't straight. What if they hated him already, telling Oliver to do those things to Dan? He let out a shaky breath, suddenly terrified of everything. The teacher was talking to him, but there was no noise, just the sound of his own heartbeat and everything else mixing together. He shook his head and stood up quickly, running out of the room as fast as he could. He ran straight into someone, Phil. He looked at him in confusion, Dan just shook his head and ran past, hating the fact that he was almost in tears. He ran outside, collapsing behind the building. He gripped at his shirt tightly, tugging it away from his chest. He didn't notice Phil kneeling down beside him, he didn't care either. He gasped out trying to breathe as he pulled his shirt off, the fabric suffocating him. Tears streamed down his face as he dug his nails into his sides. "Fuck..." Phil sat him up properly, grabbing his hands so he couldn't hurt himself.  "Dan, hey Dan stop. Look at me..." He spoke softly, looking straight at him. Dan managed to look at him, following Phil's lips. "Breathe with me okay?...In......out" He breathed in slowly, matching Phil's movements.

After a few minutes, Dan was breathing normally. He sighed softly looking down at his hands, he hadn't had an attack like that in ages. Phil grabbed his shirt and handed it to him, "You're alright" He held onto the shirt tightly, not caring about how shirtless he was at the moment. Phil watched him wearily before his eyes trailed down Dan's body, bruises littered his skin; some old and some new. His sides were bleeding slightly from Dan's nails, small scars littered the same area. Dan shivered and slipped his shirt back on slowly as he looked up at Phil.  Tears streamed down his face,  he could feel himself falling apart. Phil sighed and pulled Dan into a hug, looking up at the sky. "S-sorry" Dan whimpered as he wrapped his arms around Phil's body. He was still shaking.  " It's alright, you're alright. I'm here...I'm here" Phil spoke softly, it was almost as if he had done this before. Dan whimpered and shook his head, " N-no...'m getting bad again"

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is short, sorry about that. But thank you for reading


	6. Chapter 6

_Say something, I've got a lot to lose._

"How's Dan? " May sat down beside Phil and looked up at him. He quirked a brow in response, Andy glared at May. She looked over at Andy and bit her lip "No point glaring at me, you don't scare me." She shrugged with a bored expression and turned back to Phil, "Is Dan alright?" Phil bit his lip and shrugged, " _Why would I know?"_ She rolled her eyes " _Becaus_ e you _were the one who was hugging him yesterday."_ He shrugged and stood up, walking away. He could hear May's footsteps following after him, he sighed and sped up; walking out to the same tree he found Dan under yesterday. He sat down and closed his eyes, picking at his torn jeans with little care. " Phil. Please talk to me..." He looked up at her " _Don't want to talk. "_ She sighed and sat down " Phil...please, I'm fucking terrified...You're scaring me." She whispered softly, picking at the grass in front of her. "You've barely eaten anything in the last week, you're not talking at home...only to Chase. " She bit her lip and looked up at him "I get that you're pissed off with me, I'm an idiot and I didn't mean what I said...I'm sorry, please just talk to me...or Dan. Or someone..." Phil looked at her, not showing any emotions. "I can't lose you" She whispered softly and stood up, "I love you. " May sighed and walked away slowly,  "Sorry" Phil sighed and stood up, looking down. "I'm sorry May " The punk bit his lip and walked past her, heading to his next class.

He sat at the back of the class and sighed to himself, guilt was eating away at him. Halfway through the class it occurred to him that Dan hadn't come to school today. He bit his lip and pulled out his phone.

_Phil: Andy, give us your brothers number._

_Andy: wtf why?_

_Phil: Because I need to talk to him?_

He sighed as Andy asked him yet again  why he wanted PJ's number.  He eventually got it from her, not wasting anytime before messaging PJ. After yet another game of twenty questions, he managed to get Dan's number. He smiled at himself and bit his lip.

"Dan Howell, and Phil Lester. You two will be working in pairs for this project." The teacher looked around blankly, scanning the class for either boy's attention, Phil quirked a brow at her. He hadn't been paying any attention to what she had been saying. She sighed and rubbed her face "If you paid attention, Phil, you'd know what's going on. " He shrugged and sat back in his seat. She crossed her arms over her chest "It amazes me how you seem to pass this class. You never put any effort into contributing to anything, and half of the time you're playing on your phone. I'm sure you don't want to be kept down a grade because you were too busy trying to act rebellious" Phil cocked his head to the side and stood up, he walked past the teacher and up to the front of the class. She turned around and glared at him "See? You're not working" He smirked and grabbed a pen.

 _"Just because I choose not to speak, doesn't mean I  am incompetent. You never see me working because you don't pay attention. If you want to get technical, I should be in the advanced class. So it shouldn't really be a surprise that I'm top of the class."_ He looked back at the teacher and crossed his arms over his chest. She stared back at him "Who said you were top of the class? " Phil smirked and bit his lip,  turning back to the board _"You did. I do live with my mother you idiot "_ Without another glance at the teacher he walked out of the class, not bothering with grabbing his bag; he'd come back for that later.

....

"So your sister seems like a total sweetheart " Andy dropped down beside him and smirked "Real polite" Phil shrugged and grabbed his book "You pissed her off. Deal with it"She pouted and lent against him "Oh come on Lester, You're really going to let her talk to me like that? " Drew sighed and rubbed his face, "Andy, get over it! You should've just stayed out of it. Just because you wanna fuck him doesn't give you the right to get into his personal life" Phil looked over at Drew wide eyed, his mouth hanging open slightly.

If looks could kill, Drew would be dead. He didn't seem to care though, he stared straight at Andy as she stared straight back at him. "What. The. Fuck. Did you just say to me?" She bit out quietly. Phil could practically feel the anger coming from her. Drew sighed " You heard me. There's no point denying it- It's so obvious. " Andy sat up straight and looked over at Phil and then back at Drew, a small smirk playing on his lips. "Yeah, so what? I wanna fuck him. " Phil looked down, biting his lip. Andy smirked and leaned forward, looking over at Drew "You can't tell me _you_ don't. I've seen the way you look at him, the way you practically undress him with your eyes." Drew blushed darkly and looked over at Phil, "Phil I-"

"Just admit it! You wanna fuck Lester...or-" She smirked "...Maybe you want him to fuck you" Drew bit his lip and looked down at the table.  Andy smirked "So it is true? You want big bad Phil-" Phil cleared his throat and glared at Andy. _"What the fuck are you doing?"_ He scribbled down the note quickly, his handwriting messy and barely readable.  Andy gave him a confused look "So you don't care that he thinks about you that way?" Phil rolled his eyes and turned back to Drew. _"Is what she's saying true?_ " Drew bit his lip and looked up at Phil awkwardly, his cheeks dark red "Y-yeah...but I swear I was never gonna come onto you or anything! " He let out a shaky breath and glared at Andy "Are you fucking happy you bitch? You think I wanted to come out like this?" Andy shrugged and smiled sweetly at him "Phil's not gay." Drew shook his head and got up quickly.

"Fuck you, Andy." He spat before storming off,  his lighter in his hand. Andy grinned and shrugged. "Oh well" Phil looked over at her and quirked a brow. _"Why would you do that?"_ She scoffed, frowning slightly "Do what? Tell you his deep, dark secret? " She giggled quietly but stopped when she saw the look on Phil's face. _"I can't believe you'd do that. You can't just force someone to come out! Do you have any idea what that could do to him? That's a shitty thing to do. Even for you."_ He waited until he was sure that Andy had read the note before getting up and walking off, in search of Drew.

Dan walked around the corner looking down at his feet. Phil cleared his throat and tapped Dan's shoulder. The boy jumped and looked up at the punk "Oh hey Phil." Phil smiled softly and held his hands up _"Have you seen Drew by any chance?"_ Dan bit his lip and thought for a moment. "Uh yeah" He nodded pointing out behind him, "I think he was round the back having a smoke " Phil nodded slowly and smiled softly _"Thanks"_ Dan nodded and rubbed the back of his neck before walking away.

He had been acting strange lately, even before the attack yesterday. Phil sighed, it wasn't any of his business.  He shook his head as he stepped outside, looking around for any sign of Drew. After a few minutes of looking around, he spotted a few puffs of smoke drift away in the wind. He sighed and walked around the corner, he felt a little guilty as Drew looked up at him. Phil sat down across from him slowly and bit his lip. _"I'm sorry"_ Drew frown and looked up at him, easily reading Phil's sign language "Why are you sorry?" Phil bit his lip  _"What Andy did was wrong. I'm so pissed with her right now"_ Drew laughed softly and shrugged "She felt threatened by me. It's not the first time she's started shit to get close to you" Phil frowned " _It's not?"_ He shook his head "Nah, remember Stace? " He nodded awkwardly and cleared his throat, memories flashing through his head  "Yeah well, Andy was convinced that you two hooked up..." Phil coughed and looked down _"Andy walked in on us.."_ Drew blushed darkly and nodded "Yeah...so did I... Anyways, Andy catfished her- somehow she ended up with the nudes that she had sent you...." Phil bit his lip and looked down "- Stace _left_ once the photos got spread through the school...that was around the time when you stopped talking" Phil looked up in shock, Drew shrugged "I remember when you'd talk Phil, we might not have been friends but that doesn't mean I didn't know you. Andy was right though... I do have a thing for you, have for a while."

Phil bit his lip and gave Drew a small smile. He sighed and rubbed his face "Look, I know you're straight. You have nothing to worry about,  I'm not gonna come onto you or anything...It's just a stupid crush-" Phil shook his head and smiled softly. _"I never said I was straight."_ Drew froze and looked at him "You're gay?" Phil smirked and shook his head _"I'm Pan"_ Drew nodded and sat up, his cigarette long forgotten.

"That's cool..." He looked down, and bit his lip as Phil laughed softly "When did you know?" He bit his lip and looked over at Drew _"About a week ago..."_ Drew nodded and relaxed against the wall, his eyes wandering over Phil's face. "I think I'm gay...I'm not sure though" He muttered softly, looking down at his lap. Phil cleared his throat as the bell rang, " _Do you find any other guys hot?"_ Drew quirked a brow and nodded "Yeah...but I don't know how far that attraction goes. Like do I just think they're cute?  Or is it more... sexual?" Phil bit his lip and nodded, looking around.  They were all alone by now, A few birds flew past. _"Have you kissed a guy?"_ He asked he knew that Drew was one to sleep around. His whole group was like that, but he had only seen Drew with girls.

Drew bit his lip and sat forward a little,  he seemed almost hesitant.  "Um," He smiled softly and pulled Phil's jacket towards him. He kissed Phil gently, It took a few seconds for Phil to respond, he kissed back gently. His hands found their way to Drew's hips. A few minutes later Drew pulled away, blushing slightly. He smiled at Phil and bit his lip "I have now..." Phil blushed a little and cleared his throat.  
Neither of them noticed Dan walking away, his head down and his hands in his pockets.

....

It was just after ten when Phil decided to message Dan. He sighed softly and flopped down onto his bed, the kiss was the only thing going through his head. He felt guilty for leading Drew on, he shouldn't have kissed back. Guilt had made him do that too, he had no feelings for Drew whatsoever; and yet he still kissed him. He sighed and opened his messages.

_Phil: Hey, is this Dan?_

 It took nearly half an hour for him to get a response, he smiled softly and opened the message eagerly.

_Dan: yeah...who's this?_

_Phil: It's Phil, Pj gave me your number...I hope you don't mind._

_Dan: oh okay then what's up?_

_Phil: Nothing much, we're partners for an assessment too...you weren't in class._

_Dan: yeah i kinda ditched. i wont tomorrow though. how's drew?_

Phil rubbed his face softly, looking at the screen blankly. 

_Phil: He's fine, why do you ask?_

_Dan: you were looking for him and he was upset, he seemed alright afterward though..._

Panic rose through Phil's chest, Had Dan seen that? 

_Phil: What are you getting at Dan?_

_Dan: nothing don't worry, i had no idea you and drew were a thing though..tbh i kinda thought you and andy were together._

_Phil: we aren't a thing... i'm not seeing anyone._

_Dan: alright well i'm going to bed now, see you in class._

_Phil: Goodnight Dan_

_Dan: night phil._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know it's short, sorry about that... but thanks for reading!


	7. Chapter 7

_Like a rush shot through you, everyone is watching you._

 

Dan sighed as he walked (more like limped) into his first class. He wanted nothing more than to just avoid the certain cerulean eyed punk that had taken over his mind, but he had no such luck. He didn't know if he could trust him, he saw him kiss his friend... and then turn around and say that they weren't a thing. He shook the thoughts from his head as Phil sat down beside him, holding his hands up straight away. _"I have no idea what we're doing for this assignment. "_ Dan looked at him and bit his lip, wincing slightly and nodding _"I'll ask miss after class."_ Phil smiled and gave him a thumbs up. The teacher walked in and glared straight at the two, everyone turned around. Dan swallowed nervously and clenched his fists, holding them in a way that Phil could see. _"Why is everyone looking at me?"_ He let out a shaky breath and looked at Phil _"Or are they staring at you?"_ The punk looked down at Dan and gave a quick nod, before looking back at the teacher. "Now that you two are done playing handsies. I'd like to get on with my class. " He frowned and quirked a brow "It's called sign language. Not 'handsies' " She rolled her eyes "Well sorry, from here it looked like you were trying to hold his hand." She screwed up her face a little. Dan cleared his throat and looked at Phil, he had seen it too.

Dan looked back over at her "Does that bother you? Two guys holding hands. " He quirked a brow at her, not sure why he was starting this argument. It's not like he could call her out, he was still in the closet. She rolled her eyes. "Dan grow up. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion " Dan chuckled and shrugged "So you're a homophobe, " She sighed "I'm not homophobic, I just don't think it's natural. " She shrugged and smiled sweetly at him. Dan went to protest a little more but Phil held his hand up _"Just let it go"_ He bit his lip and looked up at the older boy. Phil looked back at him and quirked a brow at him, Dan huffed and slumped back in his seat. He was over letting everything go. He was over Oliver hurting him, he'd fight back if it wasn't for how much Oliver enjoyed fighting him. Phil looked down at Dan in confusion, he seemed a little on edge. He sighed, starting his work quickly. He jumped a little as Phil placed a hand on his thigh. Dan looked at him, frowning slightly as Phil brought his hand up. _"What's wrong?"_ He sighed and shook his head. _"I'm just tired."_ Dan didn't make eye contact with the older male, too scared that he'd be able to see straight through him. _"Of what?"_ Dan bit his lip, ignoring the pain. _"Being alive."_ The bell rang after that, giving Dan a chance to escape before Phil asked any more questions.

Phil watched in confusion as Dan hurried out, his fists clenched like they normally were. He shook his head, packing up his things before walking off. They had to work on the project after school, but Phil was still avoiding May. He rolled his eyes as Andy walked over. "Hey Lester." He nodded before walking off. He was still incredibly pissed off with her. She huffed and walked away, shoving some kid out of her way. He knew that she liked him, but he didn't see anything with her, or Drew for that matter. He had managed to dig himself in a massive hole that seemed to be getting deeper by the second. He let out a frustrated sigh, slamming his locker open. Why couldn't things just be easy for once? He needed something, something strong that help him forget that he was actually alive. He glanced around quickly before pulling out a small box from the back of his locker, groaning when he realized it was empty. "Looking for something?" May crossed her arms over her chest, quirking a brow at him. _"Where are they?"_ She shrugged. "I flushed them." She muttered before walking away.

\----

Later that night, Phil sat in his room drinking. May and Chase had gone to bed hours ago, leaving Phil alone with his thoughts. This whole month had turned to shit, he didn't see himself coming out on top anymore. Maybe had just burrow into the hole and die? That's always an option. He sighed, taking another swig from the bottle. He hated the fact that he was drinking, but craved the feeling it gave him. He bit his lip as he messaged an old contact, agreeing to meet up with them the next day. May would hate him for this, but he didn't care.

\---

The next morning, May walked Chase to school. She didn't want to be around Phil, he kept pushing her away when all she was trying to do was help. "May, why isn't Philly dropping us off?" Chase asked, looking up at her innocently. She sighed quietly, kissing his forehead softly. "He's not feeling well." She couldn't tell him the truth, Chase looked at Phil like he was the boys father. She hugged him gently. "I'll see you after school, Okay buddy?" He nodded, walking inside slowly. It broke her heart to see him like this. She walked into the school slowly, trapped in her own thoughts as Andy walked over. "Where's Phil?" She asked, her tone bitchy. "How the fuck should I know? You're the one who's constantly hanging off him! Do me a favor, when you see him- tell him he's a fucking dickhead." She yelled. "Maybe if he wasn't always around you, he'd actually be get over whatever his fucking issue is." Andy looked at her blankly,clenching her fist. "Who the fuck do you think you're talking to?" She yelled, swinging at her. Within seconds it was a full-blown fight , both girls punching and pulling hair. No one was game enough to step in, but everyone was happy enough to record it and egg it on. Phil frowned, pushing past before grabbing both of their arms- pulling them apart. "What the fuck are you two doing?" He yelled, not even realizing that he had spoke. Andy looked at him in shock as May pulled her arm away. "This stupid bitch started it." She growled. Andy glared at her. "You're the bit-" Phil sighed. "Both of you shut the fuck up. Andy, stay the hell away from me and my family." He growled. She rolled her eyes."after all this time,I finally got you to talk.' She mumbled. Phil eyes widened slightly, his throat tightening. He had spoke...at school...in front of everyone. May bit her lip, taking his hand gently. "Phil..." He shook his head, ripping his hand away. _"No."_ He signed, running off quickly. He couldn't do this...what was going to happen now? It wasn't the fact that he had spoke, but once again he had snapped...he had spoken out of anger. He bit his lip as he slumped down against a tree, gripping at his hair tightly. "Fucking idiot." He whispered to himself. Shakily, he pulled out the pills from his pocket, swallowing them whole. He hadn't noticed Dan running over to him.

\----

"Phil! What did you just take?' He mumbled, sitting across from him. His black eye now an ugly yellow colour. His parents barely noticed, they never did. He looked at Phil waiting for the boy to sign or talk, whatever he felt like doing. "Xanax." He mumbled, not looking at him. This surprised Dan, Phil seemed so _strong_ and in control. He bit his lip, running a hand through his messy hair. "are you meant to be taking that?" he asked gently, he knew how addictive the drug was and what the side effects were like. He himself had been on Xanax, he dropped the prescription though because it was scaring him. Phil bit his lip, nodding softly. "I'm meant to take it...when I'm anxious..." Dan nodded softly before standing up. "Alright, come on." He grabbed Phil's hand gently, pulling him up. "Where are we going?" Dan smirked slightly, dragging him out of the rusting gates. "Out."


	8. Chapter 8

_So I'm sorry to my unknown lover. Sorry that I can't believe, that anybody ever really starts to fall in love with me._

Dan bit his lip as he stepped inside with Phil, looking around his house slowly. "My parents are at work all day and Oli is probably off being a cock stain somewhere." He mumbled, walking Phil up to his bedroom. He tried to ignore the butterflies in his stomach, he couldn't have romantic feelings for Phil- that would never end well. He bit his lip as he closed his door behind Phil, sighing quietly as he opened his window and turned the fan on low. "Want some weed?" He asked quietly, running a hand through his hair as he took in Phil's posture. Phil looked at him, biting his lip. "Why are you offering me weed?" He asked, looking at Dan in confusion. Dan shrugged, sitting down beside him. "You helped me when I had a panic attack...You've helped me a lot actually...I just wanted to repay the favor." He spoke softly, looking up at Phil. "You don't have to act around me, Phil..." He spoke softly. "I'm not saying you have to tell me your whole life story...but you don't have to act like everything is okay." He took his hand gently.

Phil let out a shaky breath, looking at Dan. "I-I spoke today...at school." He looked down, toying with his fingers as he spoke. "I haven't done that in over a year, everyone heard me." He mumbled, sighing. Dan nodded softly, biting his lip. "Why did you stop talking?" He asked softly, he had been curious for a while now, Phil seemed to have a lot hidden away.  He took a deep breath, looking at Dan with hesitant eyes making Dan instantly back down,"You don't have to tell me, I was just curious." He rushed, shaking his head quickly as Phil shook his head. "No...I probably should talk about it..." He sighed, rolling up his sleeves slowly. He had a few self-harm scars littering his skin, but the thing that caught Dan's eye was the surgical scar running up his left arm.

 "My dad broke my arm when I was four and hurt my mum...making her have a miscarriage...after that, he took off.  On my fifth birthday, mum told me she was pregnant with May...I hadn't met her boyfriend yet...but he turned out to be just as bad, when she had Chase- he started drinking and doing drugs, I came home one night to him trying to slit May's throat in her sleep. He was high, he ended up cutting my neck." He let out a shaky breath, biting his lip as Dan put a hand on his shoulder gently. "A-After that, I started going to the gym and learning how to fight.  I'd make sure he didn't get near the kids, or mum...around this time last year, someone called the police...my mum lied, saying that everything was fine, she loved him...I told the truth, he got arrested...mum lost it, the only thing she said to me was that I should've kept my mouth shut...she didn't speak to me for a week..." He wiped his face quickly, sighing. "That weed would be great right now." He joked, biting his lip.

Dan nodded, practically diving to grab the weed stashed under his bed. He could practically feel his heartbreaking for Phil, what kind of mother would do that to her son? He shook the thoughts from his head, sitting beside him again, handing him the joint; lighting it for him before clearing his throat. The room was tense and the silence was unbearable. Phil took a drag before handing the joint to Dan, closing his eyes. "Around that time...I was talking to this girl. Her name was Stace...We um, hooked up a few times and were thinking about being together...She was upset one day, her nudes had been spread, and she was upset...she came to me, hysterical because her parents had found out and her picture was literally everywhere, along with her address. I was in a bad mood and snapped, telling her to just fuck off and get the fuck over it....some people had real problems to deal with." He rubbed his face, taking another drag. "She killed herself that night, she had always talked about how much she liked my voice...I couldn't handle it...I stopped talking, eating, pretty much everything. Mum tried to ignore it, May was confused...But Chase took it the hardest, I collapsed one night, I was in a coma for almost a week... so I started talking to him again, slowly working up to my family." He bit his lip.

Dan nodded softly, biting his lip. "May had mentioned that you nearly died..." He mumbled, slowly wrapping his arms around Phil's frame. He hugged him tightly, closing his eyes as he held Phil. A blush creeping onto his cheeks as he felt the punk hug back, sighing softly. "Thank you, Dan...that's the first time I've ever actually talked about this..." Dan kissed his cheek softly, smiling softly."It's okay....I'm glad I could make you feel at least a little better." He hummed, biting his lip. "Now....why don't we make something to eat?" He smiled sheepishly. Phil bit his lip softly, staying quiet for a few seconds before nodding. "Yeah...okay." He forced a smile, getting up with Dan.  "Hmm, mac and cheese?" Dan grinned, not making a big deal of him taking Phil's hand as he dragged him downstairs. "Sure." He chuckled, making Dan's heart flutter.

"I'm an amazing cook, so if you get food poisoning it's not my fault." Dan smiled innocently, grabbing out all the stuff he needed. Phil chuckled, grabbing the milk before walking closer to him. "Want me to cook? That way there won't be a threat of salmonella?" Dan huffed before chuckling softly. "Hmm, fair enough." He snickered. "I'll make the drinks instead?" Phil chuckled, already starting to cook. "That sounds like a plan." Dan hummed as he made them both an iced tea. He watched Phil curiously, biting his lip as he slowly got lost in his thoughts. He was so beautiful, his skin a perfect contrast to his dark hair and sapphire eyes. He loved the way they sparkled when he was being  little shit, or when he was messing around. He was such a beautiful, gentle person. "....Dan?" Phil quirked a brow at him curiously, snapping his fingers in front of him softly. Dan blushed darkly, looking up at the punk. "Oh, hey...sorry what's up?" He mumbled. Phil chuckled, handing him the bowl of food. "Here you go."  Dan took the bowl, still blushing furiously as they moved to sit down at the dining room table. "Are you sure this wont kill me?" Dan asked, a cheeky smirk on his face. Phil  rolled his eyes playfully. "I'm a great cook." He snickered, starting to eat.

\----

After they had finished eating, Phil helped clean up the kitchen before going back up to Dan's room with him. "We should probably work on that project." He spoke softly, earning a small nod in response. "Sure, or we can play Mario Kart." Dan suggested with a smirk. He was in no mood to actually work or pay attention to anything, except for the blue-eyed punk slumped beside him. "Hmm, I don't know...we have a lot to do." He replied with a teasing smirk before chuckling and nodding. "Do I look like the type of person to do schoolwork over playing video games?"Phil snickered, grabbing a controller. Dan rolled his eyes, setting the game and console up before sitting beside Phil. Neither of them mentioned the lack of personal space between the boys, both of them finding comfort in feeling the other's body heat. "I'm so going to win by the way, I hope you don't mind having your ass kicked." Dan teased with a sly grin, "Because that's whats going to happen." He winked, nudging the punk. Phil rolled his eyes, nudging Dan in response with a soft chuckle. "Oh please, you're so going down Howell."The punk smirked, picking the track and his kart with a soft hum. They stayed like that for over two hours, bumping against each other every so often as the usual banter filled the room. "Oh you fucking shit!" Phil complained, huffing as he dropped the controller in defeat. "That's it, I'm never playing Mario Kart with you ever again."He mumbled, crossing his arms over his chest like a child.

Dan laughed softly, a shit eating grin on his face as he turned the tv off. "Awwh you poor thing."He giggled, poking Phil's cheek. The atmosphere was a lot lighter now, both boys had relaxed considerably and Phil was actually smiling. "I like your smile," Dan mumbled without an ounce of thought. He blushed furiously, looking away- only to have his chin pulled back to face the punk. "I like yours more."He mumbled, gently pressing his lips against Dan's. Dan felt like he was going to explode, closing his eyes as he kissed back.Although it was perfect and sweet, the kiss only lasted a second though, the front door slamming making them separate much to Dan's disappointment. He sighed as he forced himself to pull away, giving Phil an apologetic look. "Sorry.."He mumbled, looking down. Phil rubbed the back of his neck, his cheeks tinted slightly. "Don't be...I um, better get going."He mumbled, standing up. "Thanks for everything Dan, I'll see you later."He mumbled before grabbing his things and hurrying out. 

Dan sighed, biting his lip as he crawled into bed- now was the perfect time to feel sorry for himself, so that's what he planned on doing. He couldn't afford to fall for Phil, it was too dangerous for the both of them. He hid his face in his pillow, letting out a frustrated groan before rolling over to find his phone. He scrolled through his Facebook slowly, frowning as a video of the fight popped up. The way Phil snapped, it was clear why he was so upset with himself. Dan shook his head, turning his phone off before cuddling into his blanket. Today had been one mess after another, how much more could Dan take?

\----

Phil didn't talk to anyone when he got home, he just walked straight up to his room; flopping down on his bed with a silent groan. He planned on staying like that, not having to deal with anyone; unfortunately, his plans were ruined by his mother walking in with a stressed sigh. "I've been called into work, you'll have to watch the others whilst I'm gone."She murmured, opening the curtains with a sigh. Phil gave a thumbs up, still not speaking. She didn't notice though, she was too busy taking in the scene in front of her. She swallowed thickly, picking up the empty bottle carefully. "Have you been drinking, Phil?"She whispered, looking at him with a worried expression. Phil sat up, looking at the bottle in her hand before shrugging and standing up.  _"I'm going to start dinner."_ He signed before going to walk away. "No! we are going to talk about this. You know how I feel about drinking, Phil- why the hell would you bring this into my house?"She snapped, waving her arms around vividly. "What has gotten into you lately?"She sighed, crossing her arms. Phil looked at her blankly before walking out of the room silently, ignoring May and Chase as he walked past. He couldn't face her right now, he couldn't face anyone. 

He sighed as he started cooking, biting his lip when the front door slammed shut. "Philly?"He sighed softly when Chase tugged at his shirt gently. "What's wrong Chase?"He mumbled, barely speaking above a whisper, he wouldn't take his issues out on the boy. "May said that you weren't feeling well..." He whispered, hugging him. Phil bit his lip, picking the boy up gently before holding him close. "It's okay Buddy, I'm just a little tired, that's all."He lied, holding Chase in his arms tightly. He hated upsetting the boy, it wasn't healthy for him to see Phil like this, he didn't want him picking up the same terrible habits Phil had. "Why was mummy angry at you? She was looking for something in your room..." He whispered, looking up at Phil with innocent eyes. He was too young to be in the middle of this. "Don't worry about that buddy, everything's okay." He sighed, kissing the side of his head gently before setting him down. Chase give him a confused look before nodding. "Promise?" He whispered, looking up at him again. "I promise." Chase nodded and smiled, seemingly happy with the answer before mentioning his homework and running off. Phil watched him silently, rubbing his face before turning back to the stove.

He stared down at the food blankly as he cooked, the kiss was playing over and over in his head. He felt like he had used Dan somehow, the boy looked so conflicted and scared after the kiss. He frowned slightly, biting his lip before doing the stupidest thing possible. He messaged Drew, asking him to come over after nine. He had too many confusing emotions running through his head, he just needed to talk and let everything out. Drew was the only person he trusted at the moment, other than Dan. He sighed a little, ignoring May as she walked into the room. "Are you just going to keep ignoring me?" She frowned, crossing her arms over her chest.  She understood why Phil was upset, but she didn't see why it was such a big deal. Phil turned, looking at her blankly, shrugging before going back to cooking. She rolled her eyes, raising her voice a little. "You know what Phil? I'm so sick of having to walk on eggshells around you! This is complete bullshit! Your girlfriend left you a year ago, refusing to talk is just making things worse and you know it."She snapped, waiting for Phil to just walk away. He tensed again, turning to face her. "She didn't leave me, she killed herself." He answered coldly before glaring at her. "But I forgot, the whole fucking world revolves around May and her terrible life."He muttered, looking at her with a completely blank face. 

"You have no fucking idea what I've been through May, so don't even try to act like you do. " He snapped before storming out, ignoring her confused expression as he made his way up o his room again. He bit his lip before punching his wall, leaving a dent in the drywall. He winced slightly, landing a few more hits to the wall before looking down at his busted knuckles blankly. What was he meant to do now?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's taken me so long to update! but i'm back now (Kinda) so i should be able to write a lot more! thanks for reading x


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a heads up, there is smut in this chapter.

_Worship your body as you walk my way, you're the only one who can make me pray. I fall at your feet, your breath defined and underneath my skin's an intrinsic shrine._

Drew didn't end up coming over to comfort Phil, he had called him last minute to explain that it was just 'too weird' and that he didn't want their friendship to end because of hormones. Phil understood, telling him that it was fine, i _t's not like he was on the verge of a meltdown or anything._ He sighed, slumping down on his bed before rubbing the back of his neck. He needed to stop thinking about everything for a bit, he needed someone who wasn't going to look at him any different. It took him a nearly an hour of arguing with himself internally before he picked up his phone again, hesitantly pressing call on Dan's number. He bit his lip nervously as he listened to the dial tone, what if he didn't answer? Phil was tempted to just hang up straight away, he couldn't handle the anxiety that was bubbling up through his stomach slowly. "Hm, Hello?" Phil couldn't help but smile a little at the clearly half asleep Dan on the phone. "Hey...Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you..." He whispered, frowning a little. Talking on the phone was just weird, he hated it. "Hm? no, it's fine...what's up?" He yawned, his voice muffled slightly. Phil sighed softly, biting his lip for a moment before looking down at his lap. "C-Can you come over?I don't want to be alone right now..." He whispered.

It took Dan a matter of minutes before he was at Phil's backdoor, texting him quickly so he didn't have to stand out in the dark anymore. He bit his lip nervously when the door slid opened slowly, showing a very tense looking Phil. "Hey..." He whispered, taking Dan's hand gently before leading Dan up to his room slowly. "Thank you..." He whispered, sitting on his bed with a soft sigh. Dan nodded, closing the door before looking around curiously, his room was filled with Chase's toys and drawings. It didn't seem like a teenage punks room, other than the black clothes on the ground and the empty bottle of gin. "It's okay..."He hummed, sitting down across from Phil sheepishly. "What's up?" Phil bit his lip, looking at Dan. "I...I just want to forget about everything for a bit." He sighed, rubbing the back of his neck in frustration. Dan nodded understandingly. "Sex helps with that..." He mumbled, his brain clearly still foggy from his lack of sleep. Phil looked up at Dan curiously, sighing a little. "Yeah...it does when you can find a booty call." He huffed, running a hand through his hair. Dan shrugged, biting his lip. " I'm here..." He bit his lip, looking at Phil sheepishly. He needed to release all his pent up anger too, maybe they could help each other out. "What?" Phil frowned, not believing his own ears. "Fuck me, Phil. No one has to know, it can stay with us."

Phil thought about it for a moment before sighing, tugging Dan forward before kissing him. This kiss wasn't anywhere near as sweet and gentle as their first one. It was rough and filled with too much emotion, neither seemed to care though as Dan made his way into Phil's lap, straddling his thighs as Phil held his hips. It didn't take long for the kiss to get beyond heated, soon both boys were panting against each other's lips as they attempted to undress each other. Dan made a point of running his hand along Phil's chest slowly, touching as much of the firm skin as he could. Phil ran his hands along Dan's back in response, laying him down carefully before moving to kiss down his neck slowly. Dan moaned out at the feeling of Phil's lips traveling o er his skin- it was amazing. "Fuck...Phil." he breathed out shakily, already half hard from the feeling. He tugged at the punks hair a little, earning a soft growl in response. "Please..." He whined, growing needier by the second. Phil was paying so much attention to every inch of Dan, it was slightly odd. Phil pulled away once he had littered Dan's skin with soft hickies- he didn't want this spreading. "So beautiful." He mumbled, palming Dan through his boxers slowly. 

Dan moaned out, rolling his head back as he felt the much-needed friction. "hmm." He blushed a little as he felt Phil soon tug the boxers off him, leaving him completely naked. "So beautiful?" He murmured again, kissing Dan's hips and thighs slowly before nipping at the soft skin. Dan was a moaning mess by now, completely desperate for Phil's touch. "Hmm, please Phil...stop teasing." He whined, wriggling his hips slowly. Phil hummed in response, grabbing some lube before running a finger along his hole slowly. Dan squirmed slightly, spreading his legs. "I-I don't need stretching...just fuck me already." He breathed out, rolling his head back. Phil merely nodded, lubing up his own cock slowly before lining up- pushing in slowly. He groaned a little, leaning down to kiss Dan in an attempt to keep him quiet. It was clear that Dan was loud in bed. Dan moaned into the kiss, arching his back slowly as Phil bottomed out. "F-Fuck...you're so big." He breathed out shakily, scratching down Phil's back as he felt the punk starting to roll his hips, slowly building up a rhythm. He kissed along Dan's neck slowly, nipping every so often- mainly so Dan would let out the soft, high pitched moans that his neck seemed to cause. "So good Dan, fuck." He breathed, closing his eyes as he slowly sped up, not holding back anymore, 

"Fuck." Dan moaned out, rolling his hips as much as he could, it was amazing, Phil was amazing, it was just what the two of them needed. "Right there!" Dan all but screamed when Phil finally hit his prostate. Phil growled, nipping and sucking at Dan's neck roughly as he continued fucking into his prostate. "Sound so good, gonna come for me?" He whispered, earing a choked moan from Dan. "Y-Yes!" He whimpered, rolling his head back as he scratched Phil's back again. He didn't stop moaning out Phil's name as he felt himself reach his high. "Oh fuck, oh fuck- Phil!" he cried out, his vision clouding over as he finally came in between their bodies, his whole body twitching as Phil moaned, thrusting into him a few more times fore moaning out quietly as he came inside Dan. "Fuck.." He breathed once he pulled out, leaning down to kiss Dan again, despite them both still attempting to catch their breath. He didn't bother trying to move for a few more minutes, surprisingly spent. He bit his lip as he lay down beside Dan, looking over at him with a slight smile. "That was great..." Dan blushed darkly, biting his lip as he nodded- hiding his face in Phil's chest. He had heard the stories about Phil sleeping around, he knew he had just given Phil something he could never get back- but he couldn't find it in himself to care right now. He was too busy falling asleep in the punks arms, his hair now completely curly and wild. Phil kissed his forehead softly as he closed his eyes, letting himself drift off too.

\----

To say the next morning was awkward would be an understatement, Phil could barely look dan in the eyes. It's not that he was ashamed about sleeping with him- he was ashamed of himself for  _using_  him. Dan was going through so much, and now Phil was fucking with him even more. He sighed as he got up, offering dan some spare clothes before shuffling out to shower. Dan bit his lip softly, hesitantly getting dressed before leaving. He had too many thoughts running through his head, He didn't know how to feel or what to do. That was probably just a casual fuck to Phil, but to Dan, it was so much more. He frowned, hugging himself as he made his way home slowly, wincing every so often. His ass hurt, there was no point sugarcoating it. He sighed and he finally stepped into the shower quietly- he had managed to sneak in without his family noticing. He bit his lip when he noticed the hickies that covered his skin, Phil clearly didn't like holding back with the marks. Dan's cheeks heated up as he tried to ignore how good everything had felt.   Oli's obnoxious banging on the door ripped Dan from his thoughts. "Oi Fag, hurry the fuck up!" Judging by how loud Oli was being, his parents had already left for work. He sighed, getting out before wrapping his towel around his waist. He kept his gaze down as he walked past his brother, not in the mood for any kind of bullshit. 

Surprisingly, Oli didn't say anything, he just shoved past and slammed the door. Dan bit his lip, frowning as he got dressed quickly- wanting to leave before he came out. He sighed as he started walking down the street, a cigarette between his lips already as he dawdled along the path. He wasn't in a hurry to get anything done today, he just wanted to float along without having to think too much. He bit his lip as he passed Phil's house again, picking up his pace a little so he wouldn't be seen. Things were too awkward right now, of course though, Phil wasn't only to blame- Dan had suggested they fuck. Technically, this was his fault. He sighed a little, rubbing his face as he willed his thoughts to just shut the fuck up for three seconds.He didn't want to think about how much he  _liked_ the way that Phil held him, or that he'd pretty much do anything to feel that again. He groaned, turning his music up in an attempt to drown out his thoughts, it clearly wasn't working though. Everyone seemed to notice Dan's scowl as he walked through the stupidly heavy doors- seriously, did the government think all students were bodybuilders? Everyone seemed to avoid him as he walked past, not wanting to push him to the edge. Pj on the other hand just snickered and nudged him playfully. "What's up?" He asked, his voice letting how concerned he actually slipped through. Dan sighed, looking down. " I had sex...with Phil." He murmured, biting his lip. Why the fuck had he said that? He wasn't even that close to Pj. 

Pj paused for a moment before nodding and shrugging. "Okay, so...whats the problem?" He asked, biting his lip softly as he kept up with Dan. He just sighed and shrugged again. "it's complicated, Peej..." He mumbled, earning a soft smile. "That's okay, I'm here when you're ready to talk."Pj ruffled his hair playfully before walking into his class. Dan sighed, dragging himself into his first class with a frown. He just wanted to go home and forget that last night had even happened. He bit his lip, rolling his eyes at himself before resting his head on his arms, fighting off sleep. He spent the whole lesson like this and most of the day, Not noticing the Punk anywhere in the school. Maybe he had skipped, or maybe he was avoiding Dan like the plague. He sighed to himself as he started walking back to his house once the day had ended- his hands stuffed in his pockets in an attempt to seem indifferent to everything- it didn't work though. 

  "Phil, get up, please? Mr. And Mrs. Howell have invited us over for lunch." Phil sighed at his mothers' request, rubbing his face tiredly. "Mum it's like seven in the morning?" He groaned, looking up at her tiredly. "I know, but Chase has a birthday party tomorrow, so I need to take him to pick out a gift." Phil rolled his eyes, sitting up before pulling a shirt on quickly. "Whatever." He sighed, getting up. "Don't start with the silent treatment Phil, you need help." She sighed. "I know you don't want to see anyone again, but I'm not letting you get to the point where I don't know if I'm going to have to bury my son." She whispered, looking up at him. "You need to let go Phil." She sighed, glancing at the hole in his wall. "You'll be fixing that too." She muttered before walking out. Phil rolled his eyes, deciding that since he was up so bright and early, he would go to the gym for a bit. He got changed, walking past May quietly before heading down to the gym at the end of the street. He bit his lip as he walked in, nodding at a few of the familiar looking guys before going to the back with the bags, getting his gloves on in record time. He took a deep breath, holding his hands up before starting to hit the bag- making sure his hits were sharp and fast, there was no point just trying to hit that bag as hard as he could, he needed to do it properly. He felt himself starting to let loose, chucking in a few Japs and hooks before a whistle caught his attention. He paused, looking over at Oli with a confused expression. _What did this dickhead want?_   He crossed his arms over his chest as Dan's brother walked over, smirking slightly. "No need to look so defensive big boy, wanna spar?" He smirked, he was clearly a cocky prick all the time. It took all of Phil's willpower not to smirk at him as he nodded. Phil didn't seem like the type to be a disciplined boxer, but that's exactly what he was- and he was good at it too. Oli smirked and nodded, climbing into the ring with the same cocky grin- his buddies from Phil's school laughing and egging him on. Phil just rolled his eyes, climbing in after him before shrugging off his jacket, he was warmed up enough. 

"So, just yell out if I hurt you too much." He smirked, earning a bored look from Phil. A few of the other gym users chuckled. "He has no idea who he's up against- show him who's king Lester," Phil smirked at that, bouncing a few times as he relaxed- steadying his breathing as he held his hands up. Oli smirked, mirroring him before stepping forward to swing already. Phil dodged it easily, moving behind him. He waited for Oli to turn around before hitting him with a right jab, smirking as he stumbled back a little. They went on like this for a while, each of them landing a few good hits on each other, it wasn't until fifteen minutes in when Oli managed to get Phil's face, splitting his lip. "Awwh, how do you like that bitch?" He smirked, laughing. Phil wiped his mouth casually before smirking, he had watched how sloppy Oli was with his guard, he always dropped both hands to throw a punch. He hummed, bouncing on his feet a little more with a smirk before waiting for Oli swung again, sure enough, his hands dropped- giving Phil the perfect opportunity to land an uppercut to his jaw, knowing him to the ground. Phil smirked as he watched Oli lay there for a bit, he was clearly done. phil chuckled silently, pulling his gloves off before giving his a rather smug thumbs up. He climbed out of the ring, letting Oli lay there in embarrassment. The other guys grinned, patting Phil on the back as he walked past. "Shouldn't have smartmouthed the king." One of them muttered as he went off to train some more. Phil smirked to himself as he put his stuff away, deciding to train with the others for a bit before leaving to get ready for lunch. 

he was nervous, he hadn't seen Dan in nearly a week. It wasn't like he was avoiding him, he had stayed home to look after Chase, who had seemed to caught a virus. He hummed as he jogged home, feeling relaxed and at ease. He knew Oliver would probably be beyond pissed at lunch, but he deserved it. That dick shouldn't have tried to show off. He hummed as he showered, wincing as his lip stung a little. he took the peircing out carefully before getting out, dressing in his usual attire, leaving the leather jacket out- it was too hot for that. He hummed, making his way out to the loungeroom. May was there, she looked up at Phil, biting her lip before sighing and looking down. "I'm sorry." She whispered. hugging her knees slightly. "Can you stop ignoring me though? I didn't know okay? you didn't tell me that..." She whispered. Phil hugged her gently, sighing. "I'm not ready, May- just give me some space....please?" He begged, biting his lip. She nodded, pulling away as their mum beeped the horn, waiting for them in the car.  Today was going to be interesting.

Dan couldn't help but snicker when Oli came back home, a black eye and split lip. "What happened to you?" He smirked, chuckling as his mother gasped. "Oliver! your face." She frowned, trying to get a better look. "I was sparring, stop." He rolled his eyes, storming up to his room like a child. Dan smiled innocently, shrugging at his mum as he helped her set the outside table. "Answer the door sweetheart?" She hummed as the bell rang, he nodded, moving to answer it but Oli beat him to it. He quirked a brow when he noticed the way Oli and Phil stared at each other. Phil smirked, flicking Oliver's forehead as he walked past. His lip was busted too. "Oh, my you boys have got to stop being so rough- Philip, what happened to you." Phil smiled politely, running a hand through his hair.  _"I'm okay, just training."_ Dan bit his lip- translating for everyone before sitting down at the table, Phil beside him and may on the other side. He looked at Phil sheepishly, biting his lip.  _"Where have you been?"_ He signed, frowning slightly. Phil watched his hands carefully before replying.  _"looking after Chase."_ Dan nodded, biting his lip- okay, so he wasn't just avoiding Dan after all. he rolled his eyes as he was pulled into the main conversation. He bit his lip after a while when he felt Phil's hand on his thigh, goosebumps trailing up his spine slowly. He kept his cool, placing a hand on Phils hesitantly. Maybe things would be okay after all?

 


	10. Ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this took so long!Writer's block is a real bitch haha. Thanks for reading! x

Eyes like a car crash, I know I shouldn't look but I can't turn away. Body like a whiplash, salt my wounds but I can't heal the way I feel about you.

Phil sighed, flopping down on his bed tiredly. It had been a draining week of subtle glances and stolen kisses, neither boy wanting anyone to find out. It's not that they were ashamed, it was fear that was holding them back. Dan was terrified of losing his parents, and well- Phil was beyond terrified that history would repeat itself. Being the reason somebody else killed themselves would end Phil, literally. He would do everything in his power to make sure no one would find out, besides- The less people knew about him, the better. His thoughts were interrupted by the all too familiar message tone, he glanced down at the yellow hearts that showed up on his screen. He smiled a genuine smile, biting his lip as he replied. After a few minutes of casual texting, Phil called Dan. It was easier this way, plus there was less risk of people finding out if they spoke. He couldn't help but grin when he heard Dan's hushed voice when he finally answered. "Hey..." He could tell Dan was smiling on the other end of the phone, it made his heart swell. "I miss you." The punk whispered, biting his lip as he looked out his window with a soft smile. Dan giggled on the other end, Phil knew he was probably rolling his eyes too. "I saw you like an hour ago you dork." He replied, his tone soft and...shy? Phil smirked a little, chuckling. "Awwh, did I make you blush?" He teased, lighting a smoke as he talked to him. Dan made a noise of protest, even now Phil could imagine the face he was pulling. "No, you ass." It continued on like that for nearly an hour, each boy teasing the other for getting bashful before lightheartedly giving the other shit about random things. Phil cleared his throat, now on his second smoke for the conversation- he should probably think about quitting, but he'd miss the feeling too much. "What are you doing tomorrow?" He asked suddenly, cutting Dan off in the middle of his rant about how life has no meaning what so ever and that everyone he loved would end up dying, as will he. "Nothing...why?" Dan asked, pulling a confused face. Phil cleared his throat softly before smiling sheepishly. "I'll pick you up at ten, I'm taking you on a date."

\----

The next morning Phil woke up earlier than usual, taking a shower before sliding into Chase's room once he was dressed. Chase looked up at Phil, confused as to why his older brother was up before midday on a weekend and why he wasn't wearing all black today. "Morning bud." Phil grinned, picking him up gently before swirling him around with a wide smile. Chase giggled in delight, cuddling into Phil with a wide smile. "Hi, Philly!" He hummed. Phil kissed over his cheeks a few times before carrying him down to the kitchen with a soft hum. Chase giggled softly, rambling on about his homework and how much he wanted a pet rabbit. "One day, bud." Phil ruffled his hair before sitting him down, shuffling into the kitchen to make everyone breakfast. He hummed softly along to the music playing in his head as he cooked. "Chase, can you wake May up please?" He asked, chuckling a little at how eagerly the boy nodded before running off to annoy his big sister. Phil smiled to himself, eating a piece of bacon before checking the time. He still had an hour before he had to pick Dan up, butterflies swirled in his stomach. He hadn't felt this way in a long time and it was starting to scare him...but seeing that boy smile the way he did made it all worth it. "Philly! May and Ashen were cuddling..." Chase giggled, climbing into his seat. Phil quirked a brow at him before smiling. "Friends can cuddle buddy." He hummed, placing his plate of food in front of him. He glanced over at the hallway, biting his lip softly when he saw May kiss Ashen's cheek as subtly as possible. "Morning girls." He spoke softly. He had noticed the girls had been getting lately, and how Ash didn't look at him like he was the love of her life anymore. "Hungry?" He asked, dishing them both up a plate. May frowned, watching Phil wearily. "You're up early...and in a surprisingly good mood." Phil shrugged in response, setting their food down. "Eat up."He hummed, sitting with his own plate. Ashen sat down quietly, eating with a shy expression. He didn't bother not talking around her anymore, he trusted her, as did everyone else. "You okay Ash?" He asked casually, eating a mouthful of egg. She looked up at him sheepishly, biting her lip. "Um...no...I just know you saw that before.." She looked nervous now like she was scared of his reaction. May blushed darkly, looking a little nervous now too. Phil shrugged, smiling a little. "I'm not upset if that's what you're getting at, I'm happy for you girls." He smiled. Both girls let out a soft sigh of relief, starting to eat after that. "But if anyone gives you shit, tell me." He hummed, checking the time before standing up, he had a few things to buy before he picked dan up. He rinsed off his plate before pulling on his jacket. "I'm off, be good." He smiled, kissing May's forehead and then Chase's. He walked out, lighting a smoke before climbing into the car. May looked over at Ashen with a confused expression. "What the hell was that?" She asked, looking at Chase who was giggling. 

Dan bit his lip softly, running out to Phil's car as soon as he saw him pull out the front. He jumped in with a wide grin. "Hi..." He whispered sheepishly, blushing when Phil placed a hand on his thigh once they were driving. "Hi." He hummed happily, biting his lip softly. Dan glanced over with a small smile, kissing his cheek happily. This was all still so new to him, but with Phil, it just felt right. "So..where are you taking me?" He asked after a few minutes of comfortable silence. "Somewhere we can be alone." He spoke softly, driving out of the town as he spoke. "You're not going to murder me are you?" He joked, lighting himself a moke before taking a long drag. Phil chuckled, taking the cigarette from him before taking a drag. "That depends." He smirked, handing him back the smoke. Dan rolled his eyes, watching the way Phil concentrated on the road and how beautiful he was, even then. "Fine." He laughed softly, biting his lip as he pulled out an old looking Polaroid. He smiled sheepishly as he took a picture of Phil. "Well, that was cliche." Phil laughed softly, glancing over at the blushing Dan. he chuckled softly. "I like them..they're cute." He smiled, leaning over to take a picture of him resting his head on Phil's shoulder gently. Phil smiled, pulling onto a dirt road, slowing down a little as he looked around to the trail. He smiled, parking a few minutes later before getting out. Dan bit his lip softly, taking a quick picture of the trail before getting out with a soft smile. "Where are we?" he asked softly, watching Phil grab a picnic basket and a bag. "It's a surprise." He chucked, leading Dan down the path slowly. "is this your way of telling me I need to exercise?" He whined, earning a soft chuckle in response. "Get your camera ready." Phil smiled, grabbing his hand before leading him from the path. 

Phil lead him deep into the forest, smiling a little as they reached his spot. He bit his lip softly, stepping to the side so Dan could see. In front of them was a small waterfall that fell into a crystal clear pond below it, an old cubby house was to the side with chipped paint and small kid-sized furniture sitting on the small deck. Sunlight streamed in through the treetops above them. Phil looked around for a moment before looking over at Dan. He smiled at the look of pure awe on Dan's face. He bit his lip softly, taking a few pictures before grinning as he took one of the smiling punk. He smiled down at the picture, biting his lip. "This is my favourite." He spoke softly, showing Phil. The punk smiled, leading Dan over to a flat spot before spreading out the blanket and the pillows he had stuffed into the bag. He sat down before pulling Dan down into his lap gently. "Do you like it?" He asked softly, stroking his cheek gently. Dan smiled and nodded, biting his lip before kissing the older boy gently. "I love it." He grinned as he pulled away. Phil let out a relieved sigh, kissing his cheek softly before taking the camera from him. "I'm so glad." He spoke softly before snapping a picture of Dan smiling down at him. "this one is definitely my favourite." He grinned, showing Dan the picture. His dimples were showing and the sunlight was making his skin and eyes shine. Dan blushed, hiding his face in his chest. "You're wearing blue?" He sat up, smiling a little as he thought about how he had told him he'd look good in blue on a few days earlier. Phil smiled, chuckling softly. "Yeah, you like it?" He asked sheepishly, playing with Dan's hair gently. He didn't have anything planned for the day, he just wanted to be with Dan and not think about their lives for a while. This was the perfect place to get away from everything. 

They talked quietly, cuddled together as they watched the small clouds float by with smiles. Dan took some more pictures of Phil and everything else around them before Phil grinned, taking the camera off him. He waited until Dan kissed his cheek before taking a picture of them both. As cliche as it was, he was loving every second of the time he was spending with Dan. He hummed, taking his hand gently. "Would it ruin the date if I took a nap?" Dan asked, giggling softly as Phil played with his hair. Phil smiled down at him, biting his lip softly before shaking his head with a soft hum. "Not at all, we can do whatever we want here." He whispered, kissing his forehead softly before rubbing his back gently. Dan nodded and smiled, cuddling in more as he relaxed into Phil's side gently. Both boys fell asleep soon after, the punk holding the smaller boy close as the rays of the sun shone down on them gently. Neither moved for over an hour, just enjoying the comfort of being together. The rest of the day was just as perfect, it was too cold to swim but they didn't mind, they found other ways to entertain themselves. They explored a little, Dan picked flowers and took more pictures in between their slow makeout sessions and hushed conversations. 

The sun was setting by the time they left the pond, they walked slower- not wanting to face their lives again. Phil took Dan's hand gently as he drove, glancing over at him with a soft smile. "Today was perfect...thank you for spending it with me.." He whispered softly. Dan squeezed his hand softly, kissing over his knuckles afterward. "Thank you for making me smile," he whispered as Phil pulled into his driveway carefully. "I'll call you tonight." He whispered softly, leaning over to kiss him softly before pulling away with a wide grin. Dan nodded and jumped out with a wide grin, his polaroids stashed in his bag as he skipped inside happily. Phil watched him before pulling out, driving home with a smile on his face. Was this what love felt like?


	11. Eleven

_The only way out of here is the way I've avoided for all my life, there's so many things I wanna say but there's too many things still in the way. I'm lost, please help me find my place. You're the only one, please lead me out of the dark._

Music drowned out the world around Dan as he walked through the hall slowly, his hoodie pulled up over his brown curls. He looked around slowly, feeling a few people stare at him as he walked by. He was used to that by now, he had been at the school for over six months, something that he was rather proud of. Sure, a certain blue-eyed punk that smelt of mint and nicotine was the reason he even bothered showing up to the hell hole. They had been seeing each other for three months now, everything seemed to be running smoothly. Both of them just doing everything possible to enjoy any time they had together. To an outsider, they would look like good friends- but behind closed doors, they were more than friends.  The sweet nothings they told each other with those hushed voices were far from platonic, the way Phil would hold Dan in his arms as they made love; or the way he'd play with Dan's curls afterwards- a cigarette in his mouth. They were young lovers, too afraid to show their true selves to the world, but brave enough to put their hearts on the line for each other.  Dan had tried to deny it for weeks after that day at the park, surely he wasn't in love? He couldn't be...that wasn't possible, he didn't believe in love- well, he never used to. 

After a few minutes of mindlessly walking through the crowded hallway, he stopped- grabbing the things he needed before making his way to his first class. He smiled a little to himself when he saw  _his_ punk sitting at the back with an empty seat beside him.  _"How sweet of you."_ Dan signed with a playful expression. One upside to Dan and Phil both knowing sign language meant they could have entire conversations without anyone else understanding.  _"Only for you, Howell."_   Dan watched Phil reply, a sheepish expression on his face. His heart fluttering in his chest when Phil looked at him properly this time. It wasn't fair, Phil was just so stunning- even with the black eye. He had gotten back into boxing again, it was a healthier outlet than drugs and alcohol- Phil seemed like an entirely different person now then what he was six months ago. Everyone seemed to notice too, though he was still mute...he didn't look like he was ready to rip someone's spine out if they looked at him the wrong way. Dan, on the other hand, hadn't changed all that much. Sure, he was a lot happier around Phil but he was just as angry and hurt any other time. He still felt like an empty shell of a human when he was alone, no amount of time with Phil would change that.  _"I hate this class."_  Dan signed, resting his chin on his right hand as he watched Phil's hands.  _"Me too, but we gotta deal with it."_  Dan rolled his eyes in response, sighing as the teacher walked in- silencing the whole room with a simple glare.

  The lesson seemed to drag on slower by the minute. Eventually, Dan's mind began to wander, unable to stop himself from thinking about how much his life was going to change when he eventually came out. He frowned a little, a pang of guilt hitting his chest. His parents would be heartbroken, their perfect son-  _one of those_   _sinful creatures._  He'd bring so much pain to their lives, they wouldn't look back on Dan's childhood and smile, they'd look back-Desperately searching for the moment they went wrong, trying to find a way to make their precious angel a good kid again like he was choosing to be this way. He shook the thoughts from his head, frowning a little to himself. They weren't going to find out anytime soon, Dan was going to make sure of that. 

The bell broke Dan from his thoughts, his ears ringing slightly as he packed up his things. He glanced over at Phil, biting his lip softly as he held his hands up.  _"I'll see you later."_ He smiled a little before disappearing out into the crowd as he slipped his headphones in again, letting the music take him away. He glanced up when he felt a hand on his shoulder, tapping rather impatiently.  He sighed, pulling head headphones out before looking over to whoever it was. "What do you want Andy?" He rolled his eyes, crossing his arms over his chest. She just stared at him, clearly trying to be more intimidating than what she actually was. "Have you seen Lester?" She asked, finally giving in. "He won't answer my texts at all..." She sighed, tucking her greasy hair behind her ear slowly. "He doesn't want to talk to you, just leave him alone." He rolled his eyes, not giving her a chance to answer before he was walking away, headphones in again. After the fight she had with May, Andy had been pretty much cast out of the group. Phil barely acknowledged her anymore, as far as he was concerned- she was a bad person.  It took the punk a lot of self-control not to just tell her exactly how he felt about her. Andy was the one who had started everything, and from what Dan could tell- Phil wasn't ever going to consider her as a friend again. 

The rest of the day went by slowly, as usual, both boys meeting up after lunch for a quick makeout session before their last class. Dan smiled as he pulled away, licking his lips slowly before Phil was kissing him again- pressing him against the wall gently. Dan let out a shaky breath, sliding his hands along Phil's chest as things slowly became more heated. They hadn't gone this far at school before, and quite frankly Dan was terrified they'd be caught, so he was the one to pull away first- a flushed expression on his face. "We should really get to class..." He smiled, pecking Phil's lips once more before fixing himself up. "I'll call you tonight, okay?" He whispered, kissing his cheek as he walked away, a stupid grin on his face. He was so in love.

\----

"Hey there Howell." Dan smiled, loving how soft Phil's voice was when he whispered. "Hello, Philly." He giggled, blushing a little as he played with the ends of his hoodie. Phil smiled a little, standing up as he grabbed a bottle of vodka from his school bag. "Meet me at the park in fifteen, don't forget your jacket." Dan frowned a little in confusion as Phil hung up. Oh god, he didn't want to fuck in the park did he? Dan shook the thoughts from his head, pulling on his jacket before sneaking out slowly. Once the front door was closed he made a break for it, sprinting towards the playground in an attempt to get there before Phil. Despite how much effort Dan put int his speed, Phil was already there- sitting on one of the swings, the moonlight shining down on his pale skin perfectly. Dan frowned a little as he made his way over, eyeing the bottle in Phil's hands. "How do you always seem to beat me?" He huffed, still breathing heavily as he sat in the other swing. Phil laughed, taking a slow drag as he looked over at Dan. "I actually exercise, remember?" He teased, offering Dan the cigarette with a sly grin. Dan pouted, taking a drag happily before nodding at the bottle of vodka. "You gonna open that?" He asked, grinning as his boyfriends cracked the lid open, smelling it for a moment before handing it over to him.

Dan smiled, taking a swig before cringing. "Oh my god." He coughed, scrunching his face up as he felt the familiar burn go down his throat. Phil chuckled, taking a swig afterwards. "Hmm, yeah- I got the five dollar stuff." He chuckled, taking another swing once his throat had numbed to the feeling. Dan looked over again with a soft smile, swinging a little. "We're like walking cliches, you know?" He hummed, taking Phil's hand in his own- intertwining their fingers slowly. "You're one to talk." Phil scoffed, smiling a little afterwards as he leaned over- Kissing Dan softly. Dan smiled against the punks lips, happily kissing back as the chilly breeze moved around them. Dan would quite willingly stay like this forever, his lips pressed to Phil's so perfectly. It was an intoxicating feeling that Dan didn't want to find himself sobering up from. They pulled away after a few minutes, each of them sharking drinks from the bottle of vodka. 

Half an hour later, Dan was a giggling mess- clinging to Phil as he swung on the swing the tiniest bit. Phil chuckled, holding Dan's hips gently as they swayed. Dan hummed, downing the last mouthful of the alcohol before pulling Phil in for a rather messy kiss. "You know what would be fun? if we did it on the slide." He whispered as he pulled away, a delirious smile on his face. Phil didn't have to be told twice, he stood up- holding Dan up under his thighs before carrying him up to the larger platform, laying Dan down carefully. Dan grinned up at him, Pulling Phil down for another kiss as he wrapped his legs around Dan's waist. "never thought this would be a kink of yours." Phil murmured, kissing down Dan's neck slowly. Dan couldn't answer, each time he tried- a soft moan would escape instead. "Hmm...me either-but fuck I'm so  _hard._ " He whined, tugging at the punks leans slowly. "So are you it seems." He smirked, biting his lip as he started palming the older boy through his jeans. A shiver ran down his spine as he felt Phil's teeth graze down his neck slowly. "Hmm...Gonna make you scream out my name." He smirked, pulling Dan's jeans and underwear off without a moment's hesitation. Dan let out a shaky breath, spreading his legs for Phil almost instantly. "You don't need to prep me..."He breathed, his cheeks flushed from both the alcohol and the look on Phil's face as he slowly pushed into Dan. "Fuck....baby you're so tight." He mumbled, nipping at Dan's neck again as she started thrusting into the brunette. Dan gasped, scratching down Phil's back slowly. "Hmm...and you're huge..."He whined, his head spinning as he pushed back on Phil's cock with each thrust. 

neither of them lasted exceptionally long, the alcohol seeming to affect their stamina quite a lot. They cuddled together for a while, just staring up at the stars in comfortable silence. Dan bit his lip softly, looking over at Phil with a sheepish expression.l "Hey Phil?" The punk hummed in response, looking back down at Dan with a wide grin. Dan blushed darkly, biting his lip nervously for a moment before putting out eight soft-spoken words. "I think I'm falling in love with you..." He looked away, terrified of Phil's reaction. what if Phil didn't feel the same? What if this had all been a ploy to get sex. Dan went to sit up after a few minutes of tense silence, but Phil stopped him- taking his hand gently. He looked Dan in the eyes, intertwining their fingers once more before kissing him passionately. "me too." He replied, earning a wide grin from Dan. Neither boy was ready to say the three words yet. but it was a big step in the right direction.

Phil walked Danhome after that, swinging their hands together as XDan stumbled along beside him- still quite tipsy from drinking half a bottle of vodka himself. Dan stopped just before the house, biting his lip softly as he hugged his punk. "Goodnight Philly...I'll sees you tomorrow." He grinned up at Phil once more, pulling him down for a soft kiss. "Goodnight, love. Sleep tight." The punk whispered before pulling away, kissing his forehead once more before waving as he disappeared into the shadows. Dan let out a soft, lovestruck giggle before stumbling inside as quietly as possible. He bumped into a cupboard accidentally, smashing a small ornament. Dan giggled, hurrying up to his room quietly, diving into bed as he heard his parent's bedroom door open. He held his mouth in an attempt to keep his laughter in, his parents were so fucking dumb. He fell asleep with a smile on his face, and a few fresh hickies on his neck.

\----

"Hey fagface, mum want's to speak to you." Dan rolled his eyes, giving Oli a bored expression. "Nice face, did you mouth off to Phil again." He smirked, pushing the small leather diary he kept under his pillow before pushing Oliver out of his room. One of the perks about Phil getting back into boxing- Oliver had decided he was going to try to beat Phil, so he was barely home anymore- and when he was, he seemed to have a black eye ninety per cent of the time. "Watch your mouth fag, or you might just swallow those teeth of yours," Oli growled, shoving Dan into the wall before storming off. Dan rolled his eyes, fixing up his jacket before making his way down to his mother. "Yeah, mum?" He asked softly, biting his lip when his mum looked up in confusion. "Did you need something love?" She asked, placing down her reader's digest with a soft smile as Dan shook his head. "No? Oli said you wanted to speak with me..." He frowned. She smiled, shaking her head softly. "I don't remember asking him to get you, sorry love- He was probably just messing around." She stated simply before going back to reading her article. Dan frowned, heading back up to his room. He only made it halfway up the stairs before he felt his throat tighten and his stomach drop. His bedroom door was open. He cursed under his breath, running into the room. He bit his lip harshly, picking his pillow up. "Fuck!" He looked around frantically, but the diary was gone.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first proper fic and yeah. Just a heads up there will be fighting and bad language, and some slurs. i'm new to the whole tagging thing so if i've missed any, please let me know.


End file.
